Unfinished

So it's been over a month since I posted last. The reason is that I am really depressed and confused.

I am currently back in Portland to rent my house - again. The last tenants decided they couldn't afford to rent it any more. Quite frustratingly, this was my one concern about renting to them when they first applied. But they gave convincing testimony at that time so I figured they would work it out. Apparently they didn't. All of this doesn't matter too much, I suppose, as I was going to have to drive from Tuxpan to the border to update my visa and the permit to have my car in Mexico anyway. This side trip to Portland just added a mere 2000 miles to that trip.

But back to this depressed and confused thing.

The depression thing is pretty easy to explain. I'm living in a different culture, in a small town, with no support system. I speak some Spanish, but am by no means fluent. I have no female friends because it is difficult for me to connect with the women down there. Their lives consist of their children, their family, and the local gossip. They wonder why I don't have kids and why I don't want to have any. They can't seem to comprehend childlessness as an option. What else are women to do with their lives? I don't have any male friends either, because in my small town friendship between men and women is usually perceived as "they are having an affair". Besides, the social expectations for men and women are different - men don't do the things women do, and women certainly don't do what the men do in social situations. The two genders basically lead seperate social lives, each with their own gender.

So that leaves Luis as my only option for support. But he has different reasons to be in Mexico. He has lived more than half his life in the States, and doesn't really know his family the way he wishes he did. So one of his biggest goals in living in Tuxpan is to get to know his family. Which means spending tons of time with them. This isn't really a problem, and is quite normal in Mexican life. But that essentially takes him away from me. Not physically, as I usually spend time with him and his family too, but mentally and emotionally. He is sure of my presence (I am less so of his). He knows I will still be there at the end of the day, we will sleep in the same bed, hence we will have time together. He wants to talk with his family and friends while he has time with them, which is mostly during the day. So I tag along and listen in on what Spanish I can understand, and participate when I can, but I feel like I am a side dish, on the side lines, a secondary actor in this play. Whether I am there or not is of little consequence. If I don't feel like going to hang out with them, that is fine, I can go do whatever I want to do. The trouble is, there is little in Tuxpan that I want to do, and what there is to do I don't want to do without companionship. And, as we've established, that means Luis.

So depression has set in, and in a bad way.

As for the confusion thing, I am not really sure why I am in Mexico still. I went down to spend time with Luis and meet his family. We ran a bar for a few months and dropped it when it turned out to be a money pit. Then we opened a carpinteria to build cabinets and furniture. Unfortuantely, the people of Tuxpan are all codo (cheap, stingy). They want the lowest price at all times. Quality is not an issue for them. If they can buy a generic queen size bedframe for $3000 pesos ($300 USD) instead of buying a custom made, completely finshed one for $10000 pesos ($1000 USD), they will buy the cheaper one. Never mind that the $3000 peso bed will fall apart within a year or two, has drawers that don't work, and is unfinished so they have to paint or stain it. It is considered the best option because it is cheap. We are surrounded by the wrong clientelle.

So business at the carpinteria is ok. Not great. One option is to move to a different city (Guzman or Colima being the most obvious choices), but that will take capital to get re-started. And capital we do not have. And it will take time to get established. And I'm not sure I have any more Mexican-time in me right now.

So while I am up here re-renting the house, I have to consider whether to rent it out or to move back in. And this is a huge scary thought for me. I feel out of balance here, even though I feel more comfortable than in Mexico. How do I fit in here now? I know how I fit in (or, as is usually the case, don't fit in) down there. But for some reason, I'm not sure how to handle being here. I guess it is all due to the "rent or move in" question that is unanswered. If I knew which way I wanted to go on that, I would know what I had to do.

So what is so scary about moving back?

• Higher bills to cover, for one. We are low on money, and although I have enough to float on for a few months, I have a long, painful history of freaking out over money. But I could deal with this. I'll get a job, refinance my house, trade my car in for a lower payment, whatever it takes.
  
• Leaving Luis down there. I don't think he is ready to come back to the States, so I would be here alone. At the moment being alone doesn't seem to be the usual scary thing it usually is to me. Not that I want to be alone, I would much prefer to have Luis here with me, but if I have to leave him down there for the moment, I can deal with that.
  
• Feeling like a bit of a failure for not being able to survive down there. But how could I have? I know on some level that I am being too hard on myself, but I also have thoughts like "I didn't try hard enough", "I didn't make enough of an effort to find things that I wanted to do, even if I had to do them alone", and "a better, more adventurous person could have made this work." I'm not sure how to cure myself of this. It's a deep rooted feeling and not one that can be smoothed over with a layer of "be easier on yourself, you did your best". I don't think I did my best. I think I failed.
  
• I really don't want to leave Mexico with negative feelings about my experience. I wouldn't mind feeling like I had some hard times but in the end it all worked out. But to leave now would leave the impression in my own head that things sucked while I was there, that maybe it wasn't worth it to have gone in the first place.
  

So what to do? At the moment I am still showing the house to anyone who is interested in renting it. If I get someone who wants to rent it, I'll have to make a decision - rent to them and go back to Mexico, or tell them it's all been a cruel joke and they will have to look for somewhere else to live because I'm keeping this place for myself.

Even though there may seem to be a pretty cut-and-dry argument for moving back here -- you own a house, your renters are moving out, your mental health could use a little loving tender care, your financial situation is still good enough to support you for a bit of time -- it's oddly not that clear to me. What would 6 more months in Mexico do for or to me? Would I lose it altogether and come back a basket case? Or would I fight through it and come out a stronger person? Can I go back and change the things I don't like (the ones that I have some control over, that is)? Or do I have so little control that what I can change might be insignificant? Do I miss the US, and specifically Portland, so much that I need to come back? Am I giving up on an opportunity to live in a foreign country that I might not have again?

I need to get clear on what kind of life I want to be living, and what is the best way to achieve that life. That is why this whole question is scary.