Sunday, April 23, 2017

Territory and Ego

She doesn't want me to barge in on "her" territory, I think.  She made (what I thought was) an obvious gesture to put up a fence around her territory.  She had heard me talking to the paddler behind her, giving that paddler some suggestions to improve her form.  The paddler thanked me, said that with those changes to her form she felt like she wasn't working as hard (a good thing).  Awesome, I said.

But with S on the bench in front of me (Why she chose that spot specifically, I don't know.  Maybe it wasn't a choice at all.), and another newbie on the bench with her, I'm guessing she felt... threatened? annoyed? And she asked M at the front of the boat if his wife was still going to be on the dock when we were done because "she's such an awesome teacher, and I'd like her to talk with newbie M here to give him some tips."

Interesting, I thought.  She obviously hears me giving my bench mate tips, she knows that I've coached a whole team for two years (and got them into Division One, thankyouveymuch), she knows that I'm on her team for the season and therefore available.  But she is choosing to make a public statement about preferring her friend (who has never been on this team, has never paddled with the newbie, and probably never will) as a coach.  Interesting.

I've never quite warmed to S.  She's loud and brash, qualities I can appreciate in others.  But there is something about her that, to me, points to the source of her brashness being Insecurity.  Insecurity that she either denies to herself or believes to not be there since it is well hidden behind that brashness.  "See, I'm completely confident in myself!  How else would I feel comfortable being so loud and bawdy in public!  I must be confident in myself!"  In my world, confidence is more often seen than noted as being there.  If you are confident, you don't need to point it out.

So what is going on with her blunt request to have M's wife give tips to newbies?  (Also, I'm not sure she realizes what that says about her faith in her own personal coaching abilities.)

Of course I took it personally.  Having just left a team for personal politics I was hoping to avoid more bullshit.  I'm not dedicated to this team - I suspect it will be a one-year run for me with them - and I have felt quite alone on the boat so far.  But it's apparently natural for me to want to help people improve when I can.  It's difficult for me to sit by and watch people paddle poorly, and to see that the coaches of this team aren't quite bringing those folks along.

"As well as I could" is the end to that sentence above, really, that I couldn't quite bring myself to include.  I know I can do a better job training new paddlers.  I've done it for years.  And I've seen the results.  So is it my ego that is needing some stroking?  I'm still hurting from the way I chose to leave my previous team.  I still feel under appreciated by the captains from that team.  So does my ego need to be fed?  Or am I better at training than S?

I know the answer to that: I'm better.  (Although I also know that my ego is feeling a bit under appreciated lately too.)

Driving home I thought about all this.  It occurred to me that I'm in a similar position at my job.  I know I'd be better than D at his position.  But that doesn't mean shit at the moment.  Better or not, I'm stymied, kept in the position where my skills aren't being used to their fullest extent.  Feels the same on the boat.  And I have S who is apparently actively working to make sure I don't make any contributions to the team.  But why?  Why would she block me and my actions if the end result would be an improved Dragon Boat team?  I don't want to take over her team (fuck no).  I'll be gone next year.  So why not use me while you've got me?

Because she's loud and brash.


This should have been published on the original date: 2/17/2016

Looking back at my posts since December, I have a few comments to make:

I'm pretty angry at the Ex.  He has continued to date (even traveling to a different state for a booty call), so he is avoiding his issues.  Idiot.

I've heard that he has continued to lie about things, even to close friends.  This seems to have done some damage to those relationships, but it hasn't destroyed them.  Yet.

He apparently told mutual friends that I had been getting "too serious" for him, and that was why he wanted to break up with me.  Ummm..... that's not quite accurate.  He was the one who was implying that he wanted to marry me - even before he was officially divorced.  I never pushed that issue, and even felt a bit surprised that he was thinking along those lines.  Another lie to make him look... what?  Like he was just protecting himself?

A friend called him a pathological liar.  I would not disagree at this point.

Which makes me question Every Fucking Word that came out of his mouth while we were dating.

Which just makes me feel the fool.  Which makes me angry at him.  And makes me realize that I need to watch my shit more closely.

At this point I do not miss the Ex.  

Sunday, February 07, 2016


What do you do to hurt someone who hates themselves so much they are already emotionally charred down to their soul?

Nothing.  You realize that there is nothing you can do that would make the smallest mark on them.

Then you go about living your own life.

Monday, February 01, 2016


I just re-read my post from January 1st, the one titled "All the potential in the world..."

I realize that I need to correct my thinking.  I am not mad at the Ex.  I am not mad at me, either.  But I know that this was my higher self telling me that I wasn't paying attention.  The Ex could only do what he was capable of.  And I could only do what I was capable of.  But I now see that focusing on our actions only keeps me in the circumstantial existence.

I forgive the Ex for taking the actions he took.  And I forgive myself for reacting the way I did.

Reevaluate the situation, take it as a lesson in staying in contact with my higher self, and move on.


I feel like changes are happening in my existence.  I'm in a vortex of swirling winds.  What those changes are, I don't know.  But I do know it will propel me into a more expansive space. A more expansive me.

Bring it on.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Re: Hello

 I thought about you quite a bit the last couple days.

I know.  It’s partly why I decided to email you.

I'm happy to hear from you.

I’m glad to hear that.  I was wondering if you thought I was not interested in communicating with you.  I am, but with limits.  

I am doing pretty well. Same story with me, too much to do and too little time. Still trying to find that balance. 

I hope you are continuing to work on your issues.  I see that you can overcome them, can learn to understand them and move beyond them.  I know you can.  Even if you maybe don’t have that level of confidence in yourself.  I have complete confidence in your ability to grow.  Although I sometimes wonder if what I’m seeing is that awful characteristic that some people have: potential.  You know, “he has so much potential”…… when in fact “he” doesn’t want to pursue that potential.  I hope that is not the case with you.  I hope you truly want to achieve (and go beyond) your potential.

I look forward to talking to you soon. 

I hope we can talk sometime too.

Forever, Me

I heart me

Walking home from the movie theatre tonight I saw my shadow stretching out in front of me, lit by the street lights behind me.  And I decided that I loved my shadow.  And I love myself.  As I am.