Saturday, November 22, 2008

Navidad 2008

Luis and I have decided to go down to Tuxpan for Christmas. Business here is slow and I'll probably be laid off anyway, so we might as well spend money we aren't making, and have a vacation at the same time, right??

I'm looking forward to the trip, and dreading it. I love road trips (we're driving down), and know that I can bring more back from Tuxpan since we'll have a whole empty car to fill up. Yippee!

But I am scared shitless that I will be dropped right back into that sick depression I hit when I was living there. I look at photos from that time and feel this horrible ache in my stomach. Photos of Luis and his friends - on their motorcycles (I had one down there but Luis never taught me how to drive it and now it is owned by someone else), drinking to excess (most of those times I wasn't invited, it was "boys only" although I know some girls showed up at their parties from time to time), Luis laughing and having a good time.

I'm rarely in the photos (I was more often behind the camera - one of my only ways to connect with my reality down there - or was asked to document the scene - I did get my degree in Photography, so I'd be the obvious one to take the photos, right?) so it seems sometimes like I wasn't really even at the events. As if I was only there as a witness. As if Life had placed me there on a whim, to watch someone else's life. To put my existence aside so I could be nearby if I was ever needed - for a photo, for comfort, to run to the store. A useful tool.

How lonely that was. How much I do not want to go back to that existence.

Luis has apologized to me for his behavior when we lived there. It was a heartfelt apology too. Not coerced by me, but offered freely. I have told him that I am nervous about going back to Tuxpan. He says he knows, but I have only faith to go on that it will be different this time.