Me too.

I've avoided posting the #metoo hashtag on Facebook.  Because I don't like to follow trends.  If something is popular, I'm cynical and stand-offish.

But the reality is that yes, I can claim that uneasy label too.  Me too.

The most recent time was two weeks ago.  My company hires a moving company to deliver our furniture to it's ultimate destination.  They were at my company, wrapping items before putting them in their delivery truck.  I was standing near them when one of my co-workers gestured at me.  The owner of the delivery company saw him gesturing.  "What do you need, Mark?" he asked.  "I just want to grab Laura for a minute," said Mark.

"Don't we all?" said the owner of the delivery company.  In front of me.  In front of all his employees.  In front of my co-workers.

No one laughed.  At least not in my memory.  I flipped him off, said "fuck off Jason", and walked over to talk to Mark.

The time before that?  A few days prior.  I was at a job site where there were lots of other trades.  I got the standard "elevator" look (when a man's eyes scan down your body and then back up) from one of the tradesmen.

The time before that?  Who knows.  It's so fucking normal that women don't even note the incidents anymore.  I've heard of men who think this behavior is rare - because they don't see it, because they don't hear about it.  They don't see it because we (women) have learned to ignore it.  We don't talk about all the incidents because if we did, we wouldn't have anything else to talk about.

The earliest memory of harassment I have is vague.  I'm not even sure it's a memory.  But why would I make something like this up?  I was in 5th grade, in a health class.  For some reason it was just myself and the teacher in the room.  I remember coming to on the floor, lying on my back.  The teacher was there, kneeling next to me.  He said "it's ok, I've passed out before too."  But did I pass out?  If so, why weren't there other teachers, or anyone from the administration there taking care of me?  Why was I there with him alone?

So vague.  Yet I've remembered it for 40 years.  And I've always felt uncomfortable with it.

The Harvey Weinstein crap going on in the news, plus an eerily similar situation that happened in my high school 30+ years ago, has brought all this back to the surface.  Powerful men abusing the people around them.  The "weaker" people.  And the cast of characters around that situation that support it - knowingly or not.

So.  What are you going to do in your own life to help stop this?

Prey or predator

I was just reading about the historical control of female nudity in art.  Created for a male gaze, women presented as an object, oftentimes portrayed as a willing object, sometimes less so, soft, available, pleasing.  Not threatening, challenging, or singular.  Valued for their perceived beauty, and that beauty's ability to elevate the male, or to titillate the male viewer, give him pleasure.

I had an image of myself as the subject of one of those paintings.  But I stared out of the canvas with a hunter's eyes.  Challenging the viewer to engage with me.  My nakedness was an afterthought, of little consequence.  As you are viewing me, I am examining you.  My face and eyes bore into you, emerging from the canvas, my body following behind.  Are you willing, able, to engage on that level?  Will you skulk away, too intimidated by my gaze?  Or will you be intrigued, interested to see what universe exists behind my eyes?

This is how I feel working in a male-dominated industry.  I am an anomaly.  I am a rarity.  The women I interact with are designers, office clerks, housewives.

At my current shop I am the second youngest at 50 years old.  My manager is 60, the boss 65-ish.  I don't think they know how to interact with me.

The manager is clearly from a different mindset, if not a different generation exactly.  He is a Man's Man.  He is the Provider, the Rescuer, the Man Who Gets Things Done.  (At least in his own perception of himself.  I, and my coworkers, don't see it that way so much.)  He is the guy who is accustomed to having people (men) working under him.  In his current position, however, he doesn't know as much as those working under him, and I think that heightens his expression of his power/knowledge/control of the situation.  Add me into the mix - a woman who has 15 years experience in the field, knows how to work at the level of the guys in the shop, and could probably take over the manager's job and do it better.  (Realistically, you could have stopped that description at "a woman" and gotten the same result.)  The result is that the manager has to adjust his habits.  I've had interactions with him where I am telling him some information or giving him direction on some task, and he just clams up.  Doesn't respond or react to what I am saying, just continues on doing what he had planned to do anyway.  I pointed this out to one of my coworkers and asked if he had experienced anything like it.  Nope.  I think he is intimidated by you, said the coworker.

Me, staring out of the canvas, asking the questions, forcing the conversation, instead of relaxing back on the chaise for your viewing pleasure.

My boss is similar.  I see him interacting with the other shop workers more often than he interacts with me.  Part of it may be a difference in personality, but the Boss is pretty singular in the shop.  No one else really thinks like him.  I feel like he talks to the newest employee more than he talks to me even.  Our front desk woman said that she thought he wasn't accustomed to having women in the shop, and that he wasn't sure how to deal with it.  He is definitely of a different, older generation.

I see myself as being easy going, non-threatening once you get to know me.  I know I have an initial impression of intimidation.  Perhaps from self-preservation on my part.  Perhaps from the idea that self-possessed women are scary on the world's part.

But I'm not changing.  I hope the world is.