Anxiety, phobias and change

The older I get, or maybe it is the longer I'm in a relationship with Luis, the more often I get glimpses of the life attitude I have so many problems fitting into my own life. Luis has a fabulous ability to just let life happen. He doesn't necessarily plan too far in advance, but deals with things as they come along. I, on the other hand, feel the need to plan, to predict, to control everything I can in life.

But I am trying to change this, and being with Luis is a perfect place to do this.

I bought a National Geographic magazine in Mexico with an article on two different expeditions to the North Pole. One expedition was comprised of a veteran explorer and one newbie to that region of the world. The newbie had problems sleeping while the veteran didn't. The newbie asked him how his companion did it, wasn't he worried about the million different things that could go wrong - a bear attack, falling through thin ice, getting snowed in? The veteran answered: "If you worry, you die. If you don't worry, you die. So why worry?"

Although this brings up visions of Alfred E. Neuman's gap toothed smile and catch phrase "What, me worry?", that statement really hit me. At the time I was having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. I would get up to use the bathroom and not be able to fall back to sleep. My head instantly started a monologue of "you should worry about this or that", and it was hard to shut it off.

I still have those anxiety attacks. I've had two of them since I got back to Portland. But every once in a while, while I'm thinking about my big "should I stay or should I go" decision, I think, "it doesn't really matter which choice I make, it will all work out one way or the other". And at times I can stay with that feeling for a while. But it doesn't last. The pragmatic part of my personality jumps in and takes over. That part of my personality doesn't leave any space in the world for adventure and risk.

Right now I'm listening to a Fresh Air podcast. Terry Gross is interviewing author Allan Shawn who is plagued with phobias. He speaks of those moments when our phobias are brought up by whatever triggers them, and how we think we are having an appropriate response to them. We think, "this is bad, this is actually bad. We don't think 'Oh i'm having a neurotic response, how silly of me'." That has happened to me. And at times I can look back at the experience and realize I was being neurotic, but most times I think I'm being rational.

This is all brought up by my desire to control things around me. If I can control things, I can be safe. This is how my family works. My mom is very logical, practical, rational. These are her strengths and her weaknesses. She seems a bit trapped by them, unable to break out of those thought patterns. And I guess I am like that as well. But living with Luis is a direct challenge to that mode of thinking. I'm not against change or trying new things, but change is always scary, and when you try to change something so basic in your personality, it is even more scary. "If I alter this cornerstone of my personality, what will happen to the structure of my being?"

People around me see me as being adventurous - I've been to a number of different countries, I've moved across the country a few times, now I've even lived in a foreign country - and maybe I am more adventurous than the average bear. But I never feel that way about myself. I tend to think I'm too safe. And this question of going back to Mexico pushes me to change that impression too. Why not throw caution to the wind and go back to Mexico? What's the worst that could happen? Luis and I have to come back to the US and take shitty jobs somewhere other than Portland because the house is rented out, waiting out the end of the lease.

I guess that's not the worst that could happen. I could die down there for any of a million different reasons. I could lose my mind and become worse emotionally than I think I am now. Luis could die and I'd have to deal with living without him.

Ok, going down that line of thought is just depressing me more. Must stop.

So why not just go? Learn better how to let go of the controlling aspect of my personality by throwing myself into a situation where I will obviously have to work on the spot.