It's Time.

So it looks like I will be quitting my job soon.  I had a chat with my mom, and we decided that the only way for me to really make a move into massage therapy was to take a leap into the future.

The problem is that my current work schedule doesn't allow for a second job.  Or it doesn't allow for a transitional second job.  Most massage places want LMTs to work during the week day, not in the evening only.  This has been one of two of my biggest road blocks so far.  The other being money.  I'm tied to my cabinet job because it pays my bills.  In order to walk away from that job (thus opening up my schedule so I can work LMT jobs), I would need some sort of cash influx.  Savings, a winning lottery ticket, a sugar daddy, or the Bank of Mom.  Seeing as the first three haven't materialized yet, it's going to be the BoM.  (Or, the BoMB as Mom's last name starts with B!!)

Tomorrow I have an interview with a clinic close by where I would be one of two LMTs on staff (the other LMT being one of the co-owners).  The other folks who work there are naturopaths and acupuncturists.  I like their attitude (as expressed on their website), and love the area where they are located.  I hope that I find what I'm looking for there.

If that interview goes well I will contact the owner of the place where I took Ashiatsu classes and set up an interview with her.  We had talked about me going in for an interview, but as soon as I told her my time availability (or lack thereof), we decided that this might not be the best time for me to apply with her.  I had explained the possibility of going to the BoMB, but hadn't actually had that discussion with the BoMB CFO yet.  Now I have.  So I will tell the Ashiatsu therapist that the BoMB has offered to help me through the transition, and that my schedule will be very open due to the support of BoMB.

Big cleansing sigh.

It's time.  Time to really make the leap and move on.

I'm excited but nervous.  My whole life I've believed on some level that I'm not necessarily worthy of having the things I really want.  I'm supposed to be living on whatever comes my way, a decent but not overly impressive income.  I'm to survive, but not necessarily thrive.  And now I might actually have the opportunity to move towards thriving.

I hope I find my path there soon.

Wish List

What I would like:

To have a massage job (or two, or three) that supplants my current cabinet job.  For those jobs to be reasonably close to where I live, and feed me emotionally with my massage work as well as cover my food bills.  I want to work with people whom I am comfortable with.  I want an environment that is more relaxing than stressful.  I want good communication between coworkers as well as between workers and the Boss.  To feel like I am actually helping my clients feel better, emotionally as well as physically.

To have enough money to not have to worry Every Single Month about paying my bills.

To have That Guy in my life.

To have Ashiatsu bars up in my massage room.

To have enough regular clients at my home business that I can legitimately feel like it's a business.

To have time and money to invest into making my back yard a comfortable place to visit.

To have friends who live close enough to call up on a whim and go see a movie, or go get a drink, or just hang out and shoot the shit.

To have local friends who like to sit around and shoot the shit with me.

To have friends who are capable of listening to me instead of focusing on themselves.  (Granted, I'm a really good listener and don't always feel comfortable talking about myself, so this is definitely partly on me, not just on my friends.)

To have time to explore new places, to Get Things Done, to expand my horizons.

Cinderella

I like being alone.  Not always, but often enough.  but I'd like to have a man in my life.

Well, I do have a man.  But he isn't completely available.  So what we have is a nice flirtation.  I love having that time with him, but really I'd like to have him in my life more often.  But he isn't completely available.

So.

So I've been buying dresses lately.  Going out to events.  Hoping that someone, somewhere will see me and be so overwhelmed by my beauty, by my presence, that he'll come after me.

Hahahahahahaha!  Oh, right.  That only happens in fairy tales.  And if this life I'm living is a fairy tale, I'm currently in the "before" phase.

But enough of bitter sarcasm.

Nope, that's all I've got right now.

all men, all older than me

I've worked for M now for the past seven years (that one year in Mexico notwithstanding). And I've always been the sole female on staff.  Not that that issue has ever been problematic for me.  But there is a small part of my brain that takes note.

I have been very fortunate to have avoided most sexism in the job site.  But it is there.  M will go to the male on staff to get feedback on how to deal with a particular issue rather than coming to me.  Other trades on job sites will turn to the male on staff to get questions answered even though I am the lead on that particular job.  I even had a full forehead-to-toe-to-forehead visual sweep once when I was delivering cabinets to a job site, with the question "you're a cabinetmaker?", tossed at me.  But in general it's been pretty low-key, the sexism.

This past week and a half I've been the lead on a job install.  I was the main person building the job in the shop, and now I'm the senior person on the job site for cabinetry.  And everyone around me has respected that.  They come to me with questions, with quality control, with need for feedback on any particular situation.

And they are all men, all older than me, all with many more years in the trades than me.

Odd.

I've never dealt with this level of respect before.

And I like it.

The reality is that I am the one with the most knowledge about the cabinets.  I built the cabinets, I made the face frames, the doors, the drawer faces, I put the whole thing together in the shop.  They have been hired as contractors to help me install.  Or they are the General Contractor, who knows a lot about running the job site, but not so much about the cabinetry we are putting in.  And they respect me, and my position.  They know I know everything about the cabinets, they know that I am the one who has the authority to make decisions, the one who will make decisions and take the heat if the decision is wrong.

And they have no issue with that.  They don't even notice (in that way) that I am female.

I am the senior person on staff when it comes to cabinets.  And it is  so refreshing to have that level of respect paid to me.

I think I've always known how skilled I am, but have never really admitted it to myself.  Nor have I had that respect reflected back to me from my previous co-workers, nor from my boss.

I.  Know.  My.  Shit.  And this time I am getting that reflected back to me.

So I am reveling in it.  Not lording it over anyone, just giving myself the credit I rarely give myself.

Nice.

Good Love/Bad Love

I recently made a playlist for a friend who was going through the wringer of Love.  Here it is:

Bad Love
A New Shade of Blue - The Bobby Fuller Four
Try To Quit You Baby - Buddy Guy
All Cried Out - Dusty Springfield
Just How Lonely - Southern Culture on the Skids
Tainted Love - Social Distortion
Funhouse - Pink
What Did Love Ever Do To You - Hank Williams III
Turn On Your Love Light - Bobby Blue Band
Divorce Song - Liz Phair
Heart of Glass - Blondie
You Are Never Nice to Me - BR5-49
Bye Bye Baby - Detroit Cobras
Break My Heart - Judybats
The Bed’s Too Big Without You - The Police
Mean Man - Detroit Cobras
She’s Going - The English Beat
Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin
Bulletproof - La Roux

Good Love
Love Rollercoaster - Ohio Players
You R Loved - Victoria Williams
I Love You - Asie Payton
Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
He Sends Me - Nellie Lutcher
Make a Little Love - Alex Chilton
Love is the Drug - Roxy Music
Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
When a Man Loves a Woman - Marvin Gaye
And Be Loved - Damian Marley
Lovelight - Robbie Williams
Love-a-rama - Southern Culture on the Skids
Chuck E’s in Love - Rickie Lee Jones
Someone’s Daughter - Beth Orton
Thing Called Love - Bonnie Raitt
You Give Me Fever - Buddy Guy
Crazy Feelin’ - Roy Hamilton
It Must Be Love - Madness

Hometown

So I arrived. In one piece. More tired than I realized. I had woken up
at 6am on Tuesday, worked 8 hours, then jumped on a plane (well, two
actually), that whisked me off to Chicago. I got a mere 3 hours of
plane sleep, and arrived at 5:12am local time. Or 3:12am Portland
time. I wandered around the airport a bit, trying to take photos (an
attempt at continuing a photo series I had started a while back). Then
I jumped on a CTA train, switched to a bus, and arrived at my home fir
the week at 7am. Almost 24 hours of being more or less awake.

And then I slept. Until 11am. I can tell I'm still a bit fuzzy. But
I'm going to venture out and go pay my respects to the lake.

Silly me, I didn't even think to bring my bathing suit!

Since this story is endless, I might as well end it here.
--Margaret

Nerves...

The reality is that I'm nervous about going home.  I haven't been there in over 10 years, and most of the people I'll be visiting I haven't seen in twice that amount of time.  What if they aren't who I think they are.  What if we don't have anything in common any more.

Plus, I haven't been on a plane in, oh.... probably 5 years or so.  And I can get a bit claustrophobic.  Gah.

Nerves are on high alert today.....