So many thoughts...

I've been wanting to write to my blog lately. However, I have a shitty Internet connection at home, so even checking email there is painful.

Today, I decided to wander down the street to get online. For that, and for food. Luis went to Sacramento this weekend to visit a friend. I was invited, but didn't relish 18 hours of driving to a town I think of as a pit, just to see a friend of Luis'. Don't get me wrong, the friend is a good guy - I know his family down in Mexico - but he is Luis' friend, not mine. Plus, I'm going to see Crowded House tonight - oh so 80's!

So I am solo here in Portland for the long weekend. It's mostly ok, although I'm tending to freak out a bit not having Luis around. Even though I think we need time apart, I get knocked off center when he leaves. I'm sure it has to do with my childhood and not having my dad around, but who really knows?

I also just downloaded a bunch of photos from Mexico. I had taken a bunch of "old style" photos using actual film when my digital camera broke. When I got back to the States I had them developed and uploaded in digital format so I could then download them to my computer. It probably would have been worthwhile to just have had them put the photos on a disc, but I was pretty dang broke when I first got back.

The photos made me think about Mexico, and the Mexicans I met. I'm starting to look at that year in Mexico in a different light. When I was there I was so out of whack that it was hard to see things any other way than what I was feeling at the moment. Now I can see that I went down there with a particular idea of what I was doing there and the reality didn't match up. Instead of rolling with that, I tried to force it to be what I wanted. I didn't open up my brain to a more objective viewpoint. Not that I blame myself for that. I don't think there was a way I could have done that. But being away from it now makes me see things differently.

Luis and I talk about going back to live there. It's mostly what he wants to do. I still have things that I want to do here in the States, so another move south is not in my close future. I would be interested in going back again, but not to live in Tuxpan. And he agrees. He is also realizing that he went down there with some unrealistic ideas of what he was going to achieve. If we move down there again it will be to Colima, which is about 45 minutes away from Tuxpan. Close enough to visit the family, but in a city that has more to it than drinking and poverty.

Plus it seems like every time I go to the gym I end up thinking about Mexico. I'm not sure why, except that maybe that is my only time to myself, when I don't have to think about anything else, and my mind just goes there because it needs quiet time to contemplate all that happened there.

Regardless, I think I'm slowly working through a lot of shit in my head.