Leaving

Seven weeks. From a distance, it can look like a short amount of time. Less than two months. A small bit of a full lifetime.

These seven weeks have felt like a lifetime. In the best way. I’ve met friends and had experiences that will stay with me forever. A community has been started. Now we will scatter to wind and wind up in various areas of the country. Will the center hold? Will we continue to maintain this community? With effort, yes. I have faith it will happen.

Leaving my home away from home after seven weeks puts me back into that unmoored feeling again. My future for the next two weeks is clear. Beyond that…. fog. Do I stay in Portland and start to learn my new trade? Do I stay there long enough to prep my house to rent to traveling nurses? Have I done enough to get a legit business going? 

Sidebar: I admit I am jealous of my fellow students who have this thing called A Wife (or A Partner) who is working in the background to get things going while they are in classes. I’ve said a few times that I need one of these Wife things to help me out. No, not a romantic wife… the romantic role in my life will be held by a man. Eventually.

Leaving here will put me on my own. Here I have been in practice mode. Classroom mode. Out there is the Real World. Where I will stumble. Where I will fuck up. Where I will start to ingest all the knowledge I’ve picked up here and make it work, make it become muscle memory.

It’s scary in a way. I’ve done this so many times – started a New Life by changing careers, moving to a new city, starting a new path of education. But this time I’m a bit unmoored somehow. Being away from my home, my cat, my familiar (but annoying) surroundings. I did this exact thing once before – when I went to furniture making school in Maine. Three months away, then move to a new city and start a new career. What is different this time is that I have a house to return to. In 2001 I was crashing at a friend’s house, all my belongings packed away, ready to move. Now I’ve upended that order. I’ve still got my house instead of it being packed up. 

And I have a situation to deal with when I get home. My ex has been watching my house and cat. It hasn’t worked out as I had hoped it would. He’s not lived up to the commitments he offered. It’s the end of a long relationship. And I need to kick him out of my life. Permanently. There’s a lot of difficulty tied up with that. I wish it was easier.

Then there will be the emotional hangover that comes with all similar situations. That sludge that hangs over you for some unknown amount of time until your system re-rights itself and you can move through your day without feeling drawn down.

I think it’s this work that scares me the most. I can get over my fear of dealing with strangers. I can become more confident in my Tech knowledge and skill. I can make decisions for my future more easily. I just have to get through this sludge portion. That’s going to be the hard work. 

Then I can get myself balanced, moored, settled, grounded. 

Then I can start to move again.