Charred

What do you do to hurt someone who hates themselves so much they are already emotionally charred down to their soul?

Nothing.  You realize that there is nothing you can do that would make the smallest mark on them.

Then you go about living your own life.

Correction

I just re-read my post from January 1st, the one titled "All the potential in the world..."

I realize that I need to correct my thinking.  I am not mad at the Ex.  I am not mad at me, either.  But I know that this was my higher self telling me that I wasn't paying attention.  The Ex could only do what he was capable of.  And I could only do what I was capable of.  But I now see that focusing on our actions only keeps me in the circumstantial existence.

I forgive the Ex for taking the actions he took.  And I forgive myself for reacting the way I did.

Reevaluate the situation, take it as a lesson in staying in contact with my higher self, and move on.

Tornado

I feel like changes are happening in my existence.  I'm in a vortex of swirling winds.  What those changes are, I don't know.  But I do know it will propel me into a more expansive space. A more expansive me.

Bring it on.

Re: Hello

 I thought about you quite a bit the last couple days.

I know.  It’s partly why I decided to email you.

I'm happy to hear from you.

I’m glad to hear that.  I was wondering if you thought I was not interested in communicating with you.  I am, but with limits.  

I am doing pretty well. Same story with me, too much to do and too little time. Still trying to find that balance. 

I hope you are continuing to work on your issues.  I see that you can overcome them, can learn to understand them and move beyond them.  I know you can.  Even if you maybe don’t have that level of confidence in yourself.  I have complete confidence in your ability to grow.  Although I sometimes wonder if what I’m seeing is that awful characteristic that some people have: potential.  You know, “he has so much potential”…… when in fact “he” doesn’t want to pursue that potential.  I hope that is not the case with you.  I hope you truly want to achieve (and go beyond) your potential.

I look forward to talking to you soon. 

I hope we can talk sometime too.

ALWAYS, HIM

Forever, Me

I heart me

Walking home from the movie theatre tonight I saw my shadow stretching out in front of me, lit by the street lights behind me.  And I decided that I loved my shadow.  And I love myself.  As I am.

Miss you

I've queued up an email to my ex saying "i miss you".  I can't decide whether to send it or not.  I have to really question my motivation.  Yes, I miss talking to him, but do I need to share that feeling with him?  Will it only open up that wound again?  Will I be upset if he doesn't respond?

I just don't know.

Kindness is not the same

And then I come across this:

Questioner: "I have openly loved and trusted over and over again and have been mostly hurt and used. I had no skepticism. Just kindness." 

Bentinho Massaro: "Then you also had expectations. Having expectations and needs for things to happen in a certain way or look a certain way in order for you to be willing to appreciate them as love, is a form of arrogance that will cause you to suffer. Nobody else can hurt you, except you by choosing to believe in perspectives that your soul disagrees with.

And if you were indeed "hurt" frequently, it might be an indication that you did in fact carry mistrust with you in your frequency on some level.

Besides, kindness is usually held in high esteem and used by those who feel they need to be loved by the people around them. 

The fact that you said "I was only being kind", is already potentially telling that you felt unloved to begin with and tried kindness as a means to be liked. Kindness is not the same as love, not the same as unconditional trust. 

Kindness can be a genuine and natural result of being a happy human being; but when kindness is clung to as a strong value of yours or if you find yourself offering it with a subtle expectation to getting something in return for it, it is a facade, a pokerface, coming from the fear of not being loved. And if you carry with you a fear of not being loved, you will inevitably attract circumstances and reactions from people that will seem to confirm you're not loved, regardless of how kind you try to be.

That fourth paragraph would apply completely to my ex.  And the third one applies to me.  I never really did trust him completely.  I've never really trusted anyone I've dated.  I have a long-standing fear of being left.  I assume that my partner has the ability to leave me (which, of course, he does), and probably eventually will.

My healing will be learning that I can never be "left" by anyone.  And that if a person moves out of my life, it's ok.  Funny, I feel pretty confident and ok with that first sentence, but that second one scares the shit out of me.

All the potential in the world.....

There's a part of me that understands this breakup has little to do with me as *me*.  He broke up with me because he has so many problems.

[The idiot is already going out on new dates.  Why?  He says he can't stand being alone.  "If I didn't go out I'd just sit at home and wonder about my life."

Really???

Maybe that's exactly what you fucking need to do!  Sigh.

He's continuing to escape his problems.  It's a shame.  He can do better.  But he isn't.  He's afraid, and stuck to the spot he's in.  I hope his therapist can help him.  But back to me.]

I did nothing wrong.  I didn't fail in any way.  Not in terms of keeping that relationship going.  I failed in other ways, but that's for a different post.  There was nothing wrong with me.  He failed by not really examining his life before he started dating me.  He couldn't deal with being treated well.  He needs to punish himself more before he can be happy.  He probably sees breaking up with me as the nicest thing he could do for me.  And it was.  But he failed by not making a clean break, by muddying the waters long after he should have just been done with me.

And I fell for it.  For that, I'm angry at him.  As soon as he was confronted with sending mixed messages, he acknowledged what he had done and professed great distress.  I sent him an email calling him out on his shit.  I haven't heard back from him, and don't expect to.  I want to think that he is choosing not to respond for a good reason (he's never responded to my previous emails), but at this point I doubt it.

Dammit, why do I go for the guys who have "potential"?