Still on the Fence

I think I need to get honest about this "stay or go" decision.

The reality is that I am more comfortable here than I am in Tuxpan. I have friends here. A lot of my friends these days are married, and some of them have kids. But they are still available for me and I can still talk to them. In English. I have a house here - which I haven't rented out yet - plus a bunch of shit in storage. So within a week or so I could be moved back in and in my own space again.

But it sort of tears me up. I feel like I was in the middle of starting a life down there and now I'm running away from it. But the reality there is that the life which I was starting wasn't making me happy. I think if I went down there in another year or so I might have a healthier attitude and might be able to stay down there longer.

I"ve been waiting for some sort of sign to tell me what I should do. Should I stay or should I go? Why isn't the universe telling me in some not-so-subtle way which choice is the better one? My sister told me that sometimes the sign we are looking for isn't a lightning bolt, but more just small, subtle signs which we can easily overlook or discount.

So I think about the conversations I've had with friends, and what they've said. I walk around my house, empty now, and think of how it would feel with all my stuff back in it. I went to my storage locker and realized just how normal, how calm, how inconspicuous I felt.

And that is a huge thing. I feel like I can walk around the neighborhood without sticking out or being stared at. I don't feel as if I don't fit in here. I'm just another white girl walking around.

So maybe I should stay.