Following up on that last post... Mom passed away on January 6th. Her two head traumas within a year of each other were stronger than her in the long run. Now it's almost a year later, and shit still stinks.
I'm feeling confused and muddled. Too many things to pursue, and I'm not sure which of them - if any - I'm truly interested in. BF has gotten much better this past year, but there are still hiccups. Like last night. He decided to do meth again. I have no idea what triggered it. He came home around midnight, so it wasn't a long run. But still. He's recovering now so I haven't had the "pleasure" of discussing it with him.
We bought a used RV, with plans to fix it up, rent the house, and drive around the country finding work as we need it for maybe a year. I started to work on the interior - got rid of the crap mattress, hide-a-bed and matching lounge chair, sold the table and chairs. Tore out the *old* CRT tv, leaving a big messy gap where it used to live. So it's basically unsellable at the moment. At least it is without some investment in time and cleaning and money.
Then the holidays came around. And our work schedule got crazy, as we knew it would. Less sleep, more uncertainty, more stress. None of which helps our relationship.
Plus we both seem to have contracted SIBO a few months back. I had to do a 2-day test with an extremely limited diet. It sucked. BF knew he probably had the same thing, but we both know he doesn't have the self control to do the diet I did, even if it were just one day. So frustrating that he has so little self control. Even with a fucking one-day diet. He seems to pride himself on this. That he's so bull-headed. He seems to get off on it a bit. Like "I'm so contrary, no one can make me do something I don't want to do!", as he sticks out his chest with pride.
As if he knows what's good for him and what's not. He grew up in horrible surroundings, and trauma like that doesn't allow people to learn to do self care. It's his damn insecure ego speaking.
Anyway... So, RV is on hold. Job is messy right now. BF is a bit of a mess too. As are our intestines.
Plus it's winter, and that means crappy weather in Portland. A friend posted a poem, the first stanza hit me like a soggy winter raindrop:
all I crave is light & yet
winter
sky is busy imitating milk
frozen in an upturned bowl
Milk frozen in an upturned bowl. Yes, exactly. So damn depressing.
At least I now have the two antibiotics I need to treat my SIBO. BF is going a different route, which I suspect will fail as it relies on his self control. But why do I have to worry about that? That's his guts, and his health, and he certainly doesn't seem interested in doing anything positive towards all that right now.
And I'm sitting here spinning. Keep the trucking job until we get the RV road-ready? Empty the house and rent it out. And go where? We've been discussing an RV school where I would learn to be an RV inspector and he would become an RV tech. Then travel around and earn a living off fixing other people's RVs. The school, of course, costs money. Something in the range of $22k for both of us to get our schooling. Obviously something we would need to plan for, or find financing for.
Is it really a path I'm interested in? Or is it another job like trucking for me - something new to learn and make a few bucks, but ultimately not something I want to do for long term? Only one way to find out, I guess.
And what about BF? He seems to think that I should be able to trust him enough to finance the school for us both (because I do have the money). Huh? Especially after last night. Who the fuck does he think I am? I'm not about to shell out that kind of money for someone else again. Fuck that.
So, sell the extra car, sell the motorcycle, sell the RV(?). Drop my driving job and live off savings for a bit. Screw the world and most people in it. Take care of me, and me alone. Try to figure out my next move.
Would I be better off keeping the Pdx house and renting it out? Make passive income. I'm sure I could currently rent it for $2400. What with the mortgage, taxes and insurance being $1250, I'd almost double my money every month. Let's figure 35% goes into savings for maintenance & upkeep - $400. I'd still be up $700/month.
Or do I sell it and make BANK when I do, move somewhere else and start over? The money would certainly allow me to do so. I owe $195 and might be able to sell it for $450. Cut the profit in half for taxes, I'm guessing. It would still leave me with $200. How long can I live on that without bringing in other income? Six years? Not bad.
And BF, what to do with him? I didn't have a positive model for a loving couple in my life. Mom's two marriages ended in divorce, and she was so ahead of her time that I think it was difficult to find a man who could match her without smothering her power. Dad's second marriage was good, I think. It might have been a good model for me if he hadn't pushed us off to the side once my half-brother was born. I never felt welcome in their family, not really. (Maybe I should send that letter to step-mom. That one I wrote years ago about how unwelcome I felt in their lives. We'll see.). So I have no idea how to keep my autonomy and keep a relationship going. It's never been "my way or the highway" on my end. I've dealt with abandonment fears, so I'm usually the one who is trying to keep it together. I bend over my own will to keep the peace, and the person. But how long do I allow myself to feel so shitty? He is a good guy. He does a lot of things for me that no other partner has done. But he's not up to par with me. A messy childhood, grew up in a rural town, gave in to his demons and can't quite seem to buck them. So is "better than all the rest" good enough? I know I could live on my own - it's not that difficult. But the only thing here in Pdx that I really like is my house. The city sucks, the weather sucks, the people aren't my tribe. I used to have Dragonboat too, but Covid seems to have killed that for a while.
Time is creeping by today. Upturned soup bowl sky. Sunday. Nothing pressing to do. Covid still rampant (Omicron variant being the newest threat). BF recuperating, and then there's the aftermath of that to deal with. No drinking for me while on antibiotics (which is probably a good thing at the moment). Brain restless, seeming to defy landing on any one thought. Waiting while the world ticks along at its own pace can be maddening.
