LA visit

So I went down to LA to visit some friends for Thanksgiving. I spent way too much time in the LA airport.  I took some photos.

I also spent some time in TJ:

Small World

A little background: I used to live in Atlanta and worked at an ISP called MindSpring. I now live in Portland, Oregon and work as a cabinetmaker.

So I recently met a really cool woman here in Pdx named Julia. She and I are in the same yoga class and have met a few times through meetup.com events. She rocks. She's just like me. 8^) We have a lot of interests in common and one of them is the Hong Kong actor Chow Yun Fat. So we decided to have a Chow Yun Fat film fest evening. Julia offered her house and invited a few of her female friends who she thought might be interested.

I arrived at her house and we jumped directly into conversation. Eventually her friend Dalia showed up and joined in. Dalia is a terribly interesting person. She was born in the US, but grew up Israel, and had tons and tons and tons of crazy stories to share. I sat next to her on the couch and was totally absorbed in her stories when she mentioned her son, Zohar. I shook my head and sat up straight. Julia asked me what was up. "I think I know your son, Dalia". What does he do for a living? Computer programming. Where does he live? Atlanta.

Oh. My. Gawd. I know your son. I used to work with him, waaay back in 1997 in Atlanta!

Here I am, 15 years on, living on the other side of the country, having a great girls night gab time, only to find out that the engaging woman to my left, with all the great "adult themed" stories, is the mother of a former co-worker.

Writing this now, I'm sure it doesn't seem so crazy an event to everyone else, but it was a bit of a time/space continuum warp moment for me.

The Reasoning

Are you the type of person who believes in reasoning in the universe? I guess I am because whenever I think about my situation and consider that there must be some reason for me being where I am right now, I feel better.

I think right now is one of the lower points in my life. Not to sound all dramatic and “poor me”, this is just reality as I see it.

So what is the reason behind my current situation? Humility, learning how to survive on very little, learning that I am the only one I can ever really trust? Learning how to recover from what feels like a devastating blow? Learning that live goes on, no matter what? Changing my attitude to resemble something like “I will survive” rather than “why me”? Getting out of my cave and asking for help? All of the above?

I’ve been hiding from these thoughts for a while. They have been fumbling around in my head for months now, but it’s easy to ignore them – they aren’t an immediate concern. But I have to face up to them now. I have to take a hard look at myself and figure out who I really am, what I really want in life.

I have done my best

I have done my best to give my employer the benefit of the doubt. I've done my best for the past year and two months to do so. But I have finally realized that no matter what I do, he is not the man I thought he was, and will not change anytime soon (if ever).

Over a year ago I was laid off due to lack of work. My co-worker was also laid off, but he was brought back more often when there was work to be had. Now, I don't wish any ill will towards my co-worker: he needed the work just like I needed the work.

But over the past year things have changed financially for me. Now I need the work more than my co-worker needs it. This change is in part due to me not being brought in to work often enough over the past year. Essentially, my boss has helped create the situation I'm in. I have spoken with my co-worker about all this. He understands that I need the work more than he does. He has even said so to our boss. I have said so to our boss.

But it continues that my co-worker is brought back when there is work, and I am not. You could argue that my co-worker has a broader base of skills to draw from, and is therefore a more valuable employee, hence he should be brought in over me. You could argue that he has seniority over me. But that's mostly bullshit.

He and I have spoken about it and we feel the seniority issue is out the window. He does have more skills than I do, but the work that he is being called in for doesn't require any skills I do not already posses. Plus he is being brought in to work on projects that I was ostensibly the "lead" on. So something else is going on with my boss.

I asked my co-worker (who has worked every day this week while I've languished at home, worrying about paying the bills), about all this today. He says he has said directly to our boss, "Laura needs the work more, I'm ok with you bringing her in instead of me." So I don't think it's a lack of clarity. Our boss' response: "Well, if I have to start thinking about who I need to bring in based on who needs more money, that's just too much to deal with."

Makes me want to kick him in the head. He knows I need work. He knows I can do the work he needs done. I'm even less expensive than my co-worker (which brings into question his business saavy - why would you pay a higher price for basic work when the company is having a tough time even getting any work to start with?).

I know my boss is under stress. His 25 year old business has been hit hard. He himself didn't draw a paycheck in 2009 (his wife makes enough to keep them afloat, apparently). He's got a lot on his head. But that's all bullshit from my point of view too. It's not rocket science to figure out who needs hours the most. He is using that as some fucked up excuse to keep my co-worker on the payroll and to pass over me.

Sexism? Maybe. Preferential treatment? Definitely. Annoying as hell? Most assuredly.

So I'm looking. Even if I have to take a paycut, I'll consider a move to another company. If they can keep me employed consistently, maybe even give me benefits, I'm gone.

130 applicants

I'm online searching out a job. Almost any job. I've been underemployed (on and off Unemployment, plus I took a pay cut at my job) for over a year now. My Unemployment benefits have just dropped by a significant amount due to the underemployment of this past year. Crazy isn't it? I do what I'm supposed to do and it all just keeps sliding downhill.

So I'm looking around to see what possible work is out there. I'm not sure what I want to do, but I know what I'm not willing to do (call centers? Been there, not yet willing to go back). I see an ad for "Stall Cleaner/Ranch hand", and I think, "huh, I wonder what that entails." Not that I'm really interested in getting that job, but I figure I'd look it over anyway. The person who posted it one day ago has added an update: he's received over 130 applications for that position and is overwhelmed.

130 applications. To shovel shit. We are indeed living in strange times.

Las Drogas!

I am coming to terms with my chemical imbalance. I had a therapist a few years back who suggested that my depression was partly hereditary, and that has mostly been proven true. Lately that has been a bit of a comfort to me. Since I no longer have health insurance, I can't afford to see a doctor to get any meds, so I am stuck dealing with my feelings au natural. For a long time I've assumed that it was just me. If only I could change my point of view, be a bit more positive, just get over myself, I would feel better.

But now I think that's bunk. Yes, I could help myself by not being as negative as I've been lately, but there's only so far that will take me. To get the rest of the way (or closer at least) to healthy, I need chemical assistance. And although that feels a bit like Loserville, it also takes a huge burden off my shoulders. It's not completely up to me. I can't fix it all by myself. I don't have to be perfect.

So I will do what I can. Eat healthy, exercise, smile more, think good thoughts, banish the negative. And when Obama finally gets this health insurance thing worked out, I'll get back on meds.

Time to look forward

Rob Brezney says to we Taurus' this week:
"The old saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too" suggests that maybe it's not a good idea to go out on dates with a variety of lovers while you're engaged to be married. Nostradamus scholar John Hogue has taken the spirit of this idea and created a variation that I think applies to you right now, Taurus. "You can't have your past and your future, too," he says. In other words, you cannot fully embrace the exciting and daunting possibilities that loom ahead of you if you also insist on immersing yourself in the pleasures of the past. You can either have the old ways or the new ways, but not both."

So, future, what have you in store for me?