Ok, enough.

I'm over this "economic downturn" shit. I've been semi-employed since December of last year and it's really making a mess of my financial life. Tomorrow I have to talk to my boss to see if he can cough up any more money for me. Not only am I semi-employed, I also lost all my benefits and took a 15% pay cut.

Ouch.

We've survived so far, and I'm sure all this will be a (crappy) memory someday in the future, but at the moment it feels like forever. Scraping together $2 of coins so I can buy a cup of coffee and use the free wifi at the cafe. Tap dancing to pay all the bills I can, on time if possible, late if not. Better than not at all, I guess. Although some of my creditors are falling into that category too.

I can't really find enough anger to care that the bigwigs at the financial companies we've bailed out are now back to their same old salaries and up to their same old shenanigans. I grew up in the 80's - I expect all those folks to be corrupt and rich.

But like the bumper sticker says: "where's my bailout"?

Montana

We just got back from a long motorcycle trip to Montana for a cousin's wedding. It was gorgeous up there. We were right next door to the Glacier National Park, so we got to spend some time in the park. The drive up, which we did in one day, was good. I was less exhausted than I thought I would be. Of course, after getting off the motorcycles and having some food and a beer, exhaustion sank in.

Driving back to Portland was another matter.

Right around Spokane we noticed an increase in the wind. Turns out we were in a high wind warning zone, although we didn't hear that officially until much later. We were buffeted around from all sides. It was a repeat of West Texas for me. My shoulders took the brunt of it, although it seemed like all my muscles were firing for most of that portion of the trip.

Crossing the Columbia at the bridge at Umatilla was scary. The wind was free to flow over us as well as under us, so yet another dimension was added to controlling our motorcycles. I felt the bike pushed left and right as I crossed. All I could think was, "get me the hell off this bridge"!

Once we were down in the gorge the winds continued, but at least they were mostly coming from one direction. We stopped to rest at one point and even the seagulls were staying out of the air. Some were even sitting on the ground to avoid the wind.

It was a great time, and I'd do it again. But not until my muscles recover!

The Right Frame of Mind

Sometimes I think, "oh, I should just grab my camera and go out and take photos." Or, "I should just sit down and write some of this stuff that is in my head that I think is pretty readable". But the reality is that it isn't that simple.

I remember when I was in art school, being "in the zone" at times. So concentrated on whatever I was producing that my consciousness actually felt like it was in another section of my brain. One that was reserved for this type of task, one that wasn't used in normal everyday tasks.

I've been feeling that section of my brain again lately. Like I need to revisit it - it's been too long. I've let other parts of my life take up too much space in my brain. Finances, job drama, house drama, avoiding it all by watching too much tv. It's so easy to sink into the mire of these things.

Today

I woke up late today. Nine am. Odd dreams of traveling and losing access on my iPhone. Didn't get out of the house until 2pm. Have a thumping headache that has been hanging around all week.

i've been reading Anthony Bourdain and Bill Bryson. thinking about traveling again. i wonder if i could do what they do. travel and write. more interesting than building cabinets.

something's gotta change. this on again/off again work shit is annoying. not that my finances were all that hot before, but it's messing with them more than i want to think about. it amazes me how many people i know who are not only able to pay all their bills, but to travel as well. what are they doing that i'm not? am i just in a shitty industry that can't support me? did i waste precious finances while i was in mexico? did i give in when temptation asked for further financing? is the world just messing with me (and a few million others at the same time)?

but all is not lost. i feel the creative juices simmering. something will come of all this.....

AC erases my brain.

I'm here in a cafe, taking advantage of their AC on this second 100 degree day in Portland. I had thought I'd get online and write a bunch. I've had things swimming around in my head for a while that need to be written up. But those things have dried up in the cool air here.

Maybe I should step outside for an hour or so. See if the heat melts the thoughts back into my head.

Monday Buzz

I'm floating thru the day today, half asleep, half not totally here. Buoyed by the endorphins of four "harder, faster, deeper" races this weekend, and a healthy dose of Mazzy Star influenced music in my headphones. A lay day, the sun has just decided to wake up, but seems as hazy as me.

There is someone sitting nearby that apparently doesn't believe in deodorant. The scent of his body odor is somehow comforting. Like the scent of a hard day's work, or the aftermath of sex. The world is oddly unscented, falsely scented. A strong scent brings me back to the texture of the world. Sweat, cigars, cigarette smoke, diesel fumes, freshly cut grass, the sizzle of dust rising off a hot sidewalk when a summer storm comes through.

Home after a good dragonboat practice. Now a movie with The Man, then sleep.