Sueños en realidad

all men, all older than me

2011-10-11T21:25:00.004-06:00

I've worked for M now for the past seven years (that one year in Mexico notwithstanding). And I've always been the sole female on staff. Not that that issue has ever been problematic for me. But there is a small part of my brain that takes note.

I have been very fortunate to have avoided most sexism in the job site. But it is there. M will go to the male on staff to get feedback on how to deal with a particular issue rather than coming to me. Other trades on job sites will turn to the male on staff to get questions answered even though I am the lead on that particular job. I even had a full forehead-to-toe-to-forehead visual sweep once when I was delivering cabinets to a job site, with the question "you're a cabinetmaker?", tossed at me. But in general it's been pretty low-key, the sexism.

This past week and a half I've been the lead on a job install. I was the main person building the job in the shop, and now I'm the senior person on the job site for cabinetry. And everyone around me has respected that. They come to me with questions, with quality control, with need for feedback on any particular situation.

And they are all men, all older than me, all with many more years in the trades than me.

Odd.

I've never dealt with this level of respect before.

And I like it.

The reality is that I am the one with the most knowledge about the cabinets. I built the cabinets, I made the face frames, the doors, the drawer faces, I put the whole thing together in the shop. They have been hired as contractors to help me install. Or they are the General Contractor, who knows a lot about running the job site, but not so much about the cabinetry we are putting in. And they respect me, and my position. They know I know everything about the cabinets, they know that I am the one who has the authority to make decisions, the one who will make decisions and take the heat if the decision is wrong.

And they have no issue with that. They don't even notice (in that way) that I am female.

I am the senior person on staff when it comes to cabinets. And it is so refreshing to have that level of respect paid to me.

I think I've always known how skilled I am, but have never really admitted it to myself. Nor have I had that respect reflected back to me from my previous co-workers, nor from my boss.

I. Know. My. Shit. And this time I am getting that reflected back to me.

So I am reveling in it. Not lording it over anyone, just giving myself the credit I rarely give myself.

Nice.

Good Love/Bad Love

2011-10-11T21:04:00.002-06:00

I recently made a playlist for a friend who was going through the wringer of Love. Here it is:

Bad Love
A New Shade of Blue - The Bobby Fuller Four
Try To Quit You Baby - Buddy Guy
All Cried Out - Dusty Springfield
Just How Lonely - Southern Culture on the Skids
Tainted Love - Social Distortion
Funhouse - Pink
What Did Love Ever Do To You - Hank Williams III
Turn On Your Love Light - Bobby Blue Band
Divorce Song - Liz Phair
Heart of Glass - Blondie
You Are Never Nice to Me - BR5-49
Bye Bye Baby - Detroit Cobras
Break My Heart - Judybats
The Bed’s Too Big Without You - The Police
Mean Man - Detroit Cobras
She’s Going - The English Beat
Piece of My Heart - Janis Joplin
Bulletproof - La Roux

Good Love
Love Rollercoaster - Ohio Players
You R Loved - Victoria Williams
I Love You - Asie Payton
Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
He Sends Me - Nellie Lutcher
Make a Little Love - Alex Chilton
Love is the Drug - Roxy Music
Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
When a Man Loves a Woman - Marvin Gaye
And Be Loved - Damian Marley
Lovelight - Robbie Williams
Love-a-rama - Southern Culture on the Skids
Chuck E’s in Love - Rickie Lee Jones
Someone’s Daughter - Beth Orton
Thing Called Love - Bonnie Raitt
You Give Me Fever - Buddy Guy
Crazy Feelin’ - Roy Hamilton
It Must Be Love - Madness

Hometown

2011-06-29T13:00:00.001-06:00

So I arrived. In one piece. More tired than I realized. I had woken up
at 6am on Tuesday, worked 8 hours, then jumped on a plane (well, two
actually), that whisked me off to Chicago. I got a mere 3 hours of
plane sleep, and arrived at 5:12am local time. Or 3:12am Portland
time. I wandered around the airport a bit, trying to take photos (an
attempt at continuing a photo series I had started a while back). Then
I jumped on a CTA train, switched to a bus, and arrived at my home fir
the week at 7am. Almost 24 hours of being more or less awake.

And then I slept. Until 11am. I can tell I'm still a bit fuzzy. But
I'm going to venture out and go pay my respects to the lake.

Silly me, I didn't even think to bring my bathing suit!

Since this story is endless, I might as well end it here.
--Margaret

Nerves...

2011-06-28T08:21:00.000-06:00

The reality is that I'm nervous about going home. I haven't been there in over 10 years, and most of the people I'll be visiting I haven't seen in twice that amount of time. What if they aren't who I think they are. What if we don't have anything in common any more.

Plus, I haven't been on a plane in, oh.... probably 5 years or so. And I can get a bit claustrophobic. Gah.

Nerves are on high alert today.....

Again with the negativity.

2010-12-19T14:57:00.010-07:00

I had a bad interaction with my boss on Friday. We had been asked to replicate some crown molding that had originally been made at least 50 years ago. The customer only needed about 20 linear feet, so paying hundreds of dollars to have a special cutter head made to match that profile was out of the question. The other way to make crown is to piece it together - make separate pieces then glue them together to make the full molding. My boss and I discussed how to go about making it and away I went.

First I needed to purchase a new router bit. There was a bead detail at the bottom of the crown that we couldn't match with any of our bits. So my boss sent me to our local blade sharpening shop to see if they had the bit we needed. They don't stock many bits, and the woman there suggested I go to another local store as they would have a larger selection. I decided to just go to the other store rather than call my boss to see if that was what he wanted me to do. There isn't any need for me to check my every move with him, I can make these decisions on my own. Or so I thought.

At the second store they had what we wanted for $40. I had looked online for this bit and knew that we could get it for about $32 (prior to shipping, which would essentially bring it up to $40). Since money is tight, and since I know my boss, I decided to call him and clear this purchase. Well, he wasn't happy. Why didn't I ask at the first store if they could order it for us? $40? That's a lot for a router bit.... and on, and on. Well, ok, go ahead and buy it. So much anxiety over a frikkin router bit.

I get back to the shop and start working on the molding. The top piece was easy enough - a basic bullnose - so that was done pretty quick. The bottom piece was going to take some more planning. I slowly moved my way through the process of making it. Two passes with a box roundover bit; eat away a small amount with the dado blade.

The next step could have been done with either the router table or the same setup I already had with the dado blade. I opted for the dado blade since it was already set, and would minimize any tearout. The downside would be that it would require more sanding to get rid of the marks the blades left, but we were using a fairly soft wood, so they should sand out quickly. The router table option would have taken some time to set up, I would have had to make multiple passes on the setup, and there was a higher possibility for tearout. So I figured it was easier and quicker to use the dado setup.

After the dado blade, I had one more setup on the router, with the new bit. I had to run the wood on it's edge, which makes for all sorts of possible mayhem if you don't plan carefully. I re-set the power feed to accommodate the wood running on it's edge, added two feather boards, and one straight board on top to keep the wood from rising up as it passed across the router bit. A test board came out nicely, and I ran the real wood. This setup also took multiple passes as I had to run the bit pretty far into the wood.

All in all, it took about 5 hours to make this stuff. But I was proud of it. It was a very close match, and since the final product wasn't going directly up against existing molding, close was acceptable. Very close was extra nice.

I sanded the bullnose and was about to start sanding the lower part when my boss came back to the shop. He looked at the two parts of my molding and started to criticize it. I saw him look at the bullnose with some suspicion, but he didn't comment. Then he saw the saw marks on the lower part and asked why the marks were there. Dado blade, I said. Well, he said with a big sigh, that's a lot of sanding. And this part here, the bead detail, this doesn't seem to be right. It looks like it wasn't set up right. That's not good. Another sigh.

I said that the dado blade was the cleanest option for that section of the molding. I wanted to add, Well Mike, you aren't going to be doing the sanding, so don't fret. I looked at the bead detail and there was a section that needed a bit of sanding to improve it, but it was in no way defective.

Really I wanted to slap him. I know this is part of his personality - he is Chicken Little personified: the sky is falling - and he rarely sees the positive in life. I've gotten used to that for the most part. But, really. I had just spent 5 hours working on a task that we aren't necessarily set up to do most of the time. Sure, we can replicate old molding, but that doesn't mean that we can do it quickly or as perfectly as a shop that specializes in that sort of thing. But nothing is ever fucking good enough for Mike, it seems.

For some reason, this time his complaints really hit me harder than normal. It really pointed out how negative he is. And how exhausting that is for me. I'm not always Little Miss Cheery, but I sure as hell can see the positive in most situations. Not Mike. And working with someone like that wears on you.

Mike walked back off to his office and I proceeded to sand the bottom part of the molding. It took a little bit of work, but I have tricks up my sleeve, and got 20 feet sanded in about 45 minutes.

Then, as I was leaving for the day, Mike asked me if the crown was done. It's been sanded to 120, I told him, now it just needs to be glued up and final sanded. A small frown crossed his face. Did all the saw marks come out, he asked? If one of our designers wasn't sitting there at that moment, I probably would have said something snarky to Mike. Did he really think that I'm so fucking incompetent that I would have left saw marks? I've been doing this work for 9 years now, I think I can sand properly. But out of respect for the designer and for Mike, I merely said "of course".

Really.

This whole thing just lit a hotter fire under my ass to find my next career.

LA visit

2010-12-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

So I went down to LA to visit some friends for Thanksgiving. I spent way too much time in the LA airport. I took some photos.

I also spent some time in TJ:

Small World

2010-10-17T14:14:00.001-06:00

A little background: I used to live in Atlanta and worked at an ISP called MindSpring. I now live in Portland, Oregon and work as a cabinetmaker.

So I recently met a really cool woman here in Pdx named Julia. She and I are in the same yoga class and have met a few times through meetup.com events. She rocks. She's just like me. 8^) We have a lot of interests in common and one of them is the Hong Kong actor Chow Yun Fat. So we decided to have a Chow Yun Fat film fest evening. Julia offered her house and invited a few of her female friends who she thought might be interested.

I arrived at her house and we jumped directly into conversation. Eventually her friend Dalia showed up and joined in. Dalia is a terribly interesting person. She was born in the US, but grew up Israel, and had tons and tons and tons of crazy stories to share. I sat next to her on the couch and was totally absorbed in her stories when she mentioned her son, Zohar. I shook my head and sat up straight. Julia asked me what was up. "I think I know your son, Dalia". What does he do for a living? Computer programming. Where does he live? Atlanta.

Oh. My. Gawd. I know your son. I used to work with him, waaay back in 1997 in Atlanta!

Here I am, 15 years on, living on the other side of the country, having a great girls night gab time, only to find out that the engaging woman to my left, with all the great "adult themed" stories, is the mother of a former co-worker.

Writing this now, I'm sure it doesn't seem so crazy an event to everyone else, but it was a bit of a time/space continuum warp moment for me.

The Reasoning

2010-01-23T11:52:00.002-07:00

Are you the type of person who believes in reasoning in the universe? I guess I am because whenever I think about my situation and consider that there must be some reason for me being where I am right now, I feel better.

I think right now is one of the lower points in my life. Not to sound all dramatic and “poor me”, this is just reality as I see it.

So what is the reason behind my current situation? Humility, learning how to survive on very little, learning that I am the only one I can ever really trust? Learning how to recover from what feels like a devastating blow? Learning that live goes on, no matter what? Changing my attitude to resemble something like “I will survive” rather than “why me”? Getting out of my cave and asking for help? All of the above?

I’ve been hiding from these thoughts for a while. They have been fumbling around in my head for months now, but it’s easy to ignore them – they aren’t an immediate concern. But I have to face up to them now. I have to take a hard look at myself and figure out who I really am, what I really want in life.

I have done my best

2010-01-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

I have done my best to give my employer the benefit of the doubt. I've done my best for the past year and two months to do so. But I have finally realized that no matter what I do, he is not the man I thought he was, and will not change anytime soon (if ever).

Over a year ago I was laid off due to lack of work. My co-worker was also laid off, but he was brought back more often when there was work to be had. Now, I don't wish any ill will towards my co-worker: he needed the work just like I needed the work.

But over the past year things have changed financially for me. Now I need the work more than my co-worker needs it. This change is in part due to me not being brought in to work often enough over the past year. Essentially, my boss has helped create the situation I'm in. I have spoken with my co-worker about all this. He understands that I need the work more than he does. He has even said so to our boss. I have said so to our boss.

But it continues that my co-worker is brought back when there is work, and I am not. You could argue that my co-worker has a broader base of skills to draw from, and is therefore a more valuable employee, hence he should be brought in over me. You could argue that he has seniority over me. But that's mostly bullshit.

He and I have spoken about it and we feel the seniority issue is out the window. He does have more skills than I do, but the work that he is being called in for doesn't require any skills I do not already posses. Plus he is being brought in to work on projects that I was ostensibly the "lead" on. So something else is going on with my boss.

I asked my co-worker (who has worked every day this week while I've languished at home, worrying about paying the bills), about all this today. He says he has said directly to our boss, "Laura needs the work more, I'm ok with you bringing her in instead of me." So I don't think it's a lack of clarity. Our boss' response: "Well, if I have to start thinking about who I need to bring in based on who needs more money, that's just too much to deal with."

Makes me want to kick him in the head. He knows I need work. He knows I can do the work he needs done. I'm even less expensive than my co-worker (which brings into question his business saavy - why would you pay a higher price for basic work when the company is having a tough time even getting any work to start with?).

I know my boss is under stress. His 25 year old business has been hit hard. He himself didn't draw a paycheck in 2009 (his wife makes enough to keep them afloat, apparently). He's got a lot on his head. But that's all bullshit from my point of view too. It's not rocket science to figure out who needs hours the most. He is using that as some fucked up excuse to keep my co-worker on the payroll and to pass over me.

Sexism? Maybe. Preferential treatment? Definitely. Annoying as hell? Most assuredly.

So I'm looking. Even if I have to take a paycut, I'll consider a move to another company. If they can keep me employed consistently, maybe even give me benefits, I'm gone.

130 applicants

2009-12-04T16:27:00.002-07:00

I'm online searching out a job. Almost any job. I've been underemployed (on and off Unemployment, plus I took a pay cut at my job) for over a year now. My Unemployment benefits have just dropped by a significant amount due to the underemployment of this past year. Crazy isn't it? I do what I'm supposed to do and it all just keeps sliding downhill.

So I'm looking around to see what possible work is out there. I'm not sure what I want to do, but I know what I'm not willing to do (call centers? Been there, not yet willing to go back). I see an ad for "Stall Cleaner/Ranch hand", and I think, "huh, I wonder what that entails." Not that I'm really interested in getting that job, but I figure I'd look it over anyway. The person who posted it one day ago has added an update: he's received over 130 applications for that position and is overwhelmed.

130 applications. To shovel shit. We are indeed living in strange times.

Las Drogas!

2009-09-21T18:03:00.000-06:00

I am coming to terms with my chemical imbalance. I had a therapist a few years back who suggested that my depression was partly hereditary, and that has mostly been proven true. Lately that has been a bit of a comfort to me. Since I no longer have health insurance, I can't afford to see a doctor to get any meds, so I am stuck dealing with my feelings au natural. For a long time I've assumed that it was just me. If only I could change my point of view, be a bit more positive, just get over myself, I would feel better.

But now I think that's bunk. Yes, I could help myself by not being as negative as I've been lately, but there's only so far that will take me. To get the rest of the way (or closer at least) to healthy, I need chemical assistance. And although that feels a bit like Loserville, it also takes a huge burden off my shoulders. It's not completely up to me. I can't fix it all by myself. I don't have to be perfect.

So I will do what I can. Eat healthy, exercise, smile more, think good thoughts, banish the negative. And when Obama finally gets this health insurance thing worked out, I'll get back on meds.

Time to look forward

2009-09-15T17:00:00.000-06:00

Rob Brezney says to we Taurus' this week:
"The old saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too" suggests that maybe it's not a good idea to go out on dates with a variety of lovers while you're engaged to be married. Nostradamus scholar John Hogue has taken the spirit of this idea and created a variation that I think applies to you right now, Taurus. "You can't have your past and your future, too," he says. In other words, you cannot fully embrace the exciting and daunting possibilities that loom ahead of you if you also insist on immersing yourself in the pleasures of the past. You can either have the old ways or the new ways, but not both."

So, future, what have you in store for me?

Ok, enough.

2009-09-15T16:47:00.001-06:00

I'm over this "economic downturn" shit. I've been semi-employed since December of last year and it's really making a mess of my financial life. Tomorrow I have to talk to my boss to see if he can cough up any more money for me. Not only am I semi-employed, I also lost all my benefits and took a 15% pay cut.

Ouch.

We've survived so far, and I'm sure all this will be a (crappy) memory someday in the future, but at the moment it feels like forever. Scraping together $2 of coins so I can buy a cup of coffee and use the free wifi at the cafe. Tap dancing to pay all the bills I can, on time if possible, late if not. Better than not at all, I guess. Although some of my creditors are falling into that category too.

I can't really find enough anger to care that the bigwigs at the financial companies we've bailed out are now back to their same old salaries and up to their same old shenanigans. I grew up in the 80's - I expect all those folks to be corrupt and rich.

But like the bumper sticker says: "where's my bailout"?

Montana

2009-09-15T16:37:00.000-06:00

We just got back from a long motorcycle trip to Montana for a cousin's wedding. It was gorgeous up there. We were right next door to the Glacier National Park, so we got to spend some time in the park. The drive up, which we did in one day, was good. I was less exhausted than I thought I would be. Of course, after getting off the motorcycles and having some food and a beer, exhaustion sank in.

Driving back to Portland was another matter.

Right around Spokane we noticed an increase in the wind. Turns out we were in a high wind warning zone, although we didn't hear that officially until much later. We were buffeted around from all sides. It was a repeat of West Texas for me. My shoulders took the brunt of it, although it seemed like all my muscles were firing for most of that portion of the trip.

Crossing the Columbia at the bridge at Umatilla was scary. The wind was free to flow over us as well as under us, so yet another dimension was added to controlling our motorcycles. I felt the bike pushed left and right as I crossed. All I could think was, "get me the hell off this bridge"!

Once we were down in the gorge the winds continued, but at least they were mostly coming from one direction. We stopped to rest at one point and even the seagulls were staying out of the air. Some were even sitting on the ground to avoid the wind.

It was a great time, and I'd do it again. But not until my muscles recover!

The Right Frame of Mind

2009-09-05T13:17:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I think, "oh, I should just grab my camera and go out and take photos." Or, "I should just sit down and write some of this stuff that is in my head that I think is pretty readable". But the reality is that it isn't that simple.

I remember when I was in art school, being "in the zone" at times. So concentrated on whatever I was producing that my consciousness actually felt like it was in another section of my brain. One that was reserved for this type of task, one that wasn't used in normal everyday tasks.

I've been feeling that section of my brain again lately. Like I need to revisit it - it's been too long. I've let other parts of my life take up too much space in my brain. Finances, job drama, house drama, avoiding it all by watching too much tv. It's so easy to sink into the mire of these things.

Today

2009-08-08T15:29:00.002-06:00

I woke up late today. Nine am. Odd dreams of traveling and losing access on my iPhone. Didn't get out of the house until 2pm. Have a thumping headache that has been hanging around all week.

i've been reading Anthony Bourdain and Bill Bryson. thinking about traveling again. i wonder if i could do what they do. travel and write. more interesting than building cabinets.

something's gotta change. this on again/off again work shit is annoying. not that my finances were all that hot before, but it's messing with them more than i want to think about. it amazes me how many people i know who are not only able to pay all their bills, but to travel as well. what are they doing that i'm not? am i just in a shitty industry that can't support me? did i waste precious finances while i was in mexico? did i give in when temptation asked for further financing? is the world just messing with me (and a few million others at the same time)?

but all is not lost. i feel the creative juices simmering. something will come of all this.....

AC erases my brain.

2009-07-28T14:16:00.002-06:00

I'm here in a cafe, taking advantage of their AC on this second 100 degree day in Portland. I had thought I'd get online and write a bunch. I've had things swimming around in my head for a while that need to be written up. But those things have dried up in the cool air here.

Maybe I should step outside for an hour or so. See if the heat melts the thoughts back into my head.

Monday Buzz

2009-06-08T15:04:00.004-06:00

I'm floating thru the day today, half asleep, half not totally here. Buoyed by the endorphins of four "harder, faster, deeper" races this weekend, and a healthy dose of Mazzy Star influenced music in my headphones. A lay day, the sun has just decided to wake up, but seems as hazy as me.

There is someone sitting nearby that apparently doesn't believe in deodorant. The scent of his body odor is somehow comforting. Like the scent of a hard day's work, or the aftermath of sex. The world is oddly unscented, falsely scented. A strong scent brings me back to the texture of the world. Sweat, cigars, cigarette smoke, diesel fumes, freshly cut grass, the sizzle of dust rising off a hot sidewalk when a summer storm comes through.

2009-05-24T20:44:00.001-06:00

Home after a good dragonboat practice. Now a movie with The Man, then sleep.

Oh it's so unfair!

2009-02-17T16:54:00.002-07:00

So my previous co-worker is hogging some work that could be mine. He was the manager (of all three of us - like his was a necessary position!), but since the economy tanked, he was demoted and I was laid off. So now there are two employees at the company - one is more full time, said co-worker is on a "come in when we need you" status. And he has been a baby about it all. Like somehow his suffering is more important, more desperate than anyone else's. Get over it dude!

He finally gave in and started job hunting, and lo and behold - found a job! As a car salesman, of all things. I wish him well. And I wish he would go on to the other job already! He gave two weeks notice - which is commendable - but his new job wanted him to start sooner. He has been trying to work it out so that he gets as much work as he can without cutting into his unemployment check. That means he is sticking it out at my former company in order to eek out the last few remaining hours before he moves on to working on commission. Which, I also understand to a point.

But there are those of us - meaning me! - waiting in the wings for him to move the fuck on so I can move up on the "on call" list and actually make some fucking money!

People like him will always give people a bad name.

I am fragile.

2009-02-17T15:23:00.002-07:00

This isn't usually a thing I say about myself. But today, this past week, this past month, and who knows how far into the future, I am fragile.

I have a tendency to over react in some scenarios. When I am under stress, when I feel abandoned, when I am tired, when I feel powerless. All of these apply these days.

I feel like giving in. Like saying, "I give up. I can't do this anymore. Someone else is going to have to step in and take over." I want to collapse and let the chips fall where they may. Someone else can clean up. I'll just lay here where I fell. I just don't have the energy to do it alone. I'm not even sure if I have the energy to do it with help. Let someone else do it. Leave me alone. Someone else take responsibility.

But this too shall pass. I've been here before. I'm sure I'll be here again at some point. Just kinda sucks to be in the middle of it and not on the far side.

My Life circa 1995 - 2009

2009-02-09T15:43:00.003-07:00

So... MindSpring. What can I say about that place? Everyone who worked there knows how wonderful it was, and how painful it could be. We worked hard and played hard to make up for it. I met too many fabulous people there to name here. You know who you are.

I started out as employee number 44 in the Tech Support department. That was painful for me - and quite possibly painful for some of the callers on the other end of the phone line - but I learned a ton and eventually got out of that department. I landed a gig maintaining the company website. Up 'til that point it was the job of some of the engineers to update the page whenever something of importance came up. I put my art school learnings to it and made it pretty.

I was put into Mike Strutton's department with Ty Allen, Keat Seong Chan, and Elizabeth Strickler. We had a great first year, and taught MindSpring to put a limit on the year-end bonuses (we had a 90% bonus that first year). Eventually it was decided that a Web Design department would be beneficial to the company. I told them that I was the best choice to head it up, and they agreed.

I ran that department on my own for a while. I did a passable job, I guess. Then Susan Nicholson was brought in to make the department more than a side project. We got bigger, the goals got bigger, the budget didn't. I eventually left the department, and the company after some slimey political manuvering left me in a position where I had to either swallow my pride or get out. I wasn't in the pride-swallowing mood, and I was quite burnt out after almost 5 years in the Internet business, so I opted to leave.

In the meantime, the Olympics had come and gone from Atlanta. People from all over the country, and probably the world, also came to Atlanta. Property values had skyrocketed. I had been fortunate enough to have bought the house I had rented for five years. And I had bought it at about half the going rate of the other houses in the neighborhood. So I saw my cash cow, and a way out of Atlanta. But what the hell did I want to do now?

I ended up getting a job at Cox Enterprises, along with Galen, and stuck that out for a few months. But my heart wasn't in the Internet business anymore.

I sold my house, rented an apartment, and worked at Highland Hardware for a few months. I was at work on 9/11/01. Someone pulled a tv out and we stood on the sales floor watching in disbelief. Then my boss walked by and said "we still have work to do". I knew it was time to be moving on.

I found a furniture making school in Maine that had a 3 month program. I got accepted, used some of the money from my house sale, and went up to The Center for Furniture Craftsmanship. Of course, the 3 months were November, December and January. Brr. But we had a good, mild winter. And, again, I met some great people. One guy was from Atlanta - and he lived just down the street from me! I made some cool stuff, learned a lot about wood and how to work it. And at the end of the three months I went back to Atlanta and stayed with a friend. I still didn't know where I wanted to go, so Atlanta seemed the most logical place.

Pretty soon I decided to move across the country (again) to Portland, Oregon. My plan was to move out here and see if I could find work as a furniture maker, or an assistant, or maybe a cafe again if I needed to. As it turned out, I got a job as a cabinetmaker. The first company I worked at sucked. Crazy boss, asshole manager, moving deadlines - you know the type. But I stuck it out for close to two years. I put my time in on the ground level, with the goal of finding a better quality place to work.

And I did. The day I quit my first job I didn't have another job lined up. I had been interviewing, but no one had made an offer yet. I went home that day, took a shower, and walked down to the corner shop to buy a beer. My phone rang. And Mike Smith was on the line offering me a job. Perfect.

I've worked for Mike now for a total of about 4 years. Sadly, because of the crappy economy, he has had to lay off all but one of his staff, and I'm afraid he may have to close his company. I hope not.

In 2004 I changed my job, bought a house, and met my current boyfriend. The house is an old house - built in 1896 - but is in fairly good condition. We always have big plans for the place, but for the moment I will make small updates as they come along. The boyfriend is named Luis. He is from Mexico, but has been in the States since he was 16, more than half his life.

It's been an interesting relationship. He still retains some Mexican traits, which are sometimes hard to deal with, but he is nothing like your typical Mexican. In late 2005 we moved to his hometown of Tuxpan, Jalisco, Mexico. We planned to go down for 6 months to a year. We rented the house out, put our stuff in storage, and drove two cars loaded to the gills with our stuff the 3000 miles from Portland to Tuxpan.

I ended up staying there for 14 months. It was hard. And I probably would have done better to come home sooner, but we have all made choices for reasons we don't always understand. So many more details can be found about this time of my life earlier in my blog, starting here. No need to rehash it here.

Luis came back to Portland in June of 2007, about four months after I returned. Since then we have gotten back into our lives as they were before we left. And now that I have been laid off, I am back to wondering what the next phase of my life will be. Any suggestions will be happily accepted, although not necessarily followed.

And you, where have you been in the past 10 or 20 years?

My Life circa 1985 - 1995

2009-02-09T15:05:00.003-07:00

So I've been running into so many people on Facebook that I figured I would post a little history just to save myself from having to cut and paste the same story into a slew of emails. This will be in two parts as some folks haven't been around me for 20 years, others for 10.

So, I graduated ETHS in 1985 and went out to California to attend Occidental College in Los Angeles. Why Occidental? Well, it was the closest decent college I could find to whatever school Jeff Favre had decided to go to. Yup, I chose it based on a crush! That and the amount of financial aid they gave me. And the fact that it was far away from Chicago and I wanted to try a new city.

Jeff dropped out of his college after the first semester, and I remained at Oxy for two years. I hated it. I didn't fit in. I tried to do the theatre thing there, but it was no match for Croo. The best part was that I took a photography class at the near-by Art Center College of Design, and had my very own darkroom on Oxy's campus. And I took a piano class, which I enjoyed but never practiced for.

After two years, I decided to transfer. Mimi Purviance was attending the U of C at Berkeley, so I made my way up there. I lived in a co-op and met some great folks there, but only lasted at the school for one semester. I realized that I had no idea what I was doing in college, aside from wasting my money, my parents' money, and my time. So I dropped out and got a job in a cafe called The Edible Complex. I met and dated a great guy named Gary Escobedo. But two years in Berkeley and I was ready to move on again.

So I ended up back in Chicago, living with Chris Blasingame, first in Rogers Park, then in Evanston, right next to the main post office. Chris' dad hired me to work at his print shop, so I learned how to run an offset lithography press.

Yet another two years and I was ready to go back to college. This time I wanted to study photography. It was 1991. I applied to, and got into, four different art colleges. RISD was one of those schools and I was so excited to attend! Alas, they had no financial aid for me and I couldn't afford the $9000/semester fees on my own. So, second choice Atlanta College of Art became my first choice. (They have since been swallowed up by SCAD.)

I drove from Chicago to Atlanta with my mom, who had flown into Chicago for the trip from her home at the time in Raleigh, NC. It was raining when we arrived. I remember thinking within the first hour of being there that I hated it. Not good. I had a long three years ahead of me before I got my degree. I'd better start liking something about the town, and quick.

I eventually found a house to rent, and met some great people there. School was cool. Although I was generally older than most of the students, I found people to relate to. I dated Mike Skutchan (now Eaden) for three years. Although that relationship went down in flames, we have now come to some level of friendship via Facebook, which is nice.

After I got my BFA in Photography (1994 - nine years after graduating from ETHS), I did what all good art students do - I got a job at a coffee house. The owner was a people-user, but it kept me afloat financially for the most part. It helped that we served food which wasn't tracked. I got really tired of the menu there. Eventually the free food wasn't cutting it, so I quit.

I met another boy, and developed a crush on him. He was working at a small ISP called MindSpring and they needed someone to answer phones while their usual guy was on vacation. It was a two week gig, but it would pay me better than the cafe. And I'd get to work with Kevin. So I took it. I had also applied at another tech company as an HTML coder. But their environment seemed toxic to me. MindSpring, on the other hand, was heaven. I had to convince them to hire me (I had no previous tech experience), and somehow I landed a job with them after those first two weeks.

I was hired into Tech Support and had a perfectly vertical learning "curve" to deal with. Thank god for people like Norbert, Galen, Tripp, Sudish, and John Nixon. I never would have gotten as far as I did at MindSpring without their help.

So that ends the first 10 years out of high school for me.

I love Greens!

2009-02-09T15:01:00.002-07:00

For those of you who haven't lived in the South, or eaten in a southern style restaurant, "greens" are any of those yummy leafy green things you hated as a child: spinach, kale, collards, etc. When I lived in Atlanta, I was turned on to collards. Yum yum yum.

Now that we are on the "greens and beans" budget, I have rediscovered recipes for greens. My body probably loves me for that right now.

You dropped a bomb on me, baby...

2009-02-01T16:24:00.001-07:00

Luis has two kids - one is his biological son, the other is his ex-step-daughter who was all of 2 years old when he married her mom. Her biological dad has never been in the picture, so Luis is pretty much the only father she's ever had. She is turning 17 this week, so we took her out for dinner this past Friday. Luis hasn't seen her in about two years (for some stupid reasons, but that is a different story altogether), so she had lots to fill us in on.

As we drove to the restaurant, she dropped bomb after bomb on us. "This happened, then this happened, then this happened." Luis was a bit dumb-struck. I was curious, but knew that this was not the time to talk about all that had happened in her life. She is healthy and happy now, so we can review the past in more detail later.

I am constantly amazed by Ashley. She seems so very self-aware for her age. She sees certain situations in her life more objectively than most of us would be able to. And she seems fairly grounded considering all that she has been through. She is one of my heroes.

Not today

2009-01-22T14:49:00.002-07:00

I'm just not feeling it today. I have returned from Mexico, unemployed and broke. I've missed a handful of payments already and now have the un-fun task of calling my creditors and asking for extensions on those already late payments. I started yesterday. Made three phone calls. Got two straightened out, and one is supposed to call me back (right... so they are back on the list). That was all I could handle for one day.

Today I figured I'd tackle two more calls. That's enough for one day. But I dawdled and lazed about the house until noon, finally leaving the house to come up to some trendy coffee house on Alberta.

And I can't do it today. I feel horrible about not being able to pay my bills. I've never missed payments (knowingly) in my whole life. Never mind the fact that I'm unemployed (along with the other 4 people I used to work with, as well as tons of other folks in the country) and haven't started getting Unemployment payments because I was in Mexico. In my little pea-sized brain, I am a Bad, Bad Person. This all goes along with my irrational belief that I need to be Perfect All The Time. So this set back isn't easy for me to deal with.

Maybe going to Mexico wasn't the best choice. But it was pointed out that if I had stayed here, I may have gotten my UI benefits, but I'd still be in the same position I'm currently in. Better to have gone and had a good time.

Alright. Two calls. Tomorrow.

Time for a change

2008-12-08T12:11:00.002-07:00

Everyone is feeling the pinch from this recession, it seems. Everyone at my job is now, or very soon to be, laid off. People all around me are working less or not at all.

I'm trying to look at this in a positive light. It's a great time to find a new career. I've talked to other co-workers and they've told me "you're lucky, you have other skills, this is all I know". How sad. And probably not true in one person's case.

So I'm researching crafts. I have a long history of making things by hand - stage sets, photos, paper, furniture, knitted items. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do with those skills.

In the meantime, I'll pull my weekly Unemployment Insurance benefit and try to scrape together enough money to keep the wolves at bay.

On the Dole again

2008-12-05T16:08:00.003-07:00

So I am unemployed again. I knew it was coming, and I'm not freaking out yet. But that will come along I'm sure.

I'm thinking this might be a good time to consider other careers. I seem to need to change my career path every 6-8 years. I get bored. I become interested in doing other things. Right now it's a bit less in my control, but I might as well make the jump now.

Navidad 2008

2008-11-22T16:40:00.002-07:00

Luis and I have decided to go down to Tuxpan for Christmas. Business here is slow and I'll probably be laid off anyway, so we might as well spend money we aren't making, and have a vacation at the same time, right??

I'm looking forward to the trip, and dreading it. I love road trips (we're driving down), and know that I can bring more back from Tuxpan since we'll have a whole empty car to fill up. Yippee!

But I am scared shitless that I will be dropped right back into that sick depression I hit when I was living there. I look at photos from that time and feel this horrible ache in my stomach. Photos of Luis and his friends - on their motorcycles (I had one down there but Luis never taught me how to drive it and now it is owned by someone else), drinking to excess (most of those times I wasn't invited, it was "boys only" although I know some girls showed up at their parties from time to time), Luis laughing and having a good time.

I'm rarely in the photos (I was more often behind the camera - one of my only ways to connect with my reality down there - or was asked to document the scene - I did get my degree in Photography, so I'd be the obvious one to take the photos, right?) so it seems sometimes like I wasn't really even at the events. As if I was only there as a witness. As if Life had placed me there on a whim, to watch someone else's life. To put my existence aside so I could be nearby if I was ever needed - for a photo, for comfort, to run to the store. A useful tool.

How lonely that was. How much I do not want to go back to that existence.

Luis has apologized to me for his behavior when we lived there. It was a heartfelt apology too. Not coerced by me, but offered freely. I have told him that I am nervous about going back to Tuxpan. He says he knows, but I have only faith to go on that it will be different this time.

Bloody Hell!

2008-09-30T13:13:00.003-06:00

I don't ken much to the stereotyped idea that when a woman is... shall we say less than her most friendly, that she is "on the rag".

However, I do find it comforting at times - when I am obsessive and anxiety ridden - that I am, in fact, on the rag. It makes me seem oh-so-much more reasonable. (Ohhhhh! That's why I'm freaking out! Nice. I can calm down now.)

Ok, granted..

2008-09-19T21:10:00.003-06:00

...I've had two Portland beers (which are stronger than national beers), which makes me a bit tipsy, but...

I MISS MY GIRLFRIENDS!!!!!!!!

I just thought of Cindylicious in Atlanta. Man, I miss her. And Charlotte in SD. Whom I owe a phone call to. And Angela in LA.

I wish they lived closer.....

Over it

2008-09-19T21:06:00.002-06:00

I'm very tired of being so fucking responsible. I try so hard to do everything right - don't fuck up at work, pay all the bills on time, treat everyone with respect - all that shit.

But, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.

I overdrew my bank account for the second time in three months (really a Very Bad thing in my moral book), my attitude at work is sinking, I've got these anger issues I mentioned below....

Basically I'm Not Perfect.

And somehow that isn't allowed in my book. I can't fuck up. I must always be perfect, or so close to it that small slips are forgivable.

But that isn't reality. And I have such a fucking hard time making the life of my mind reflect reality.

wound tight

2008-09-19T20:58:00.002-06:00

I feel very stressed lately. I guess I have good reason... but...

I have a friend coming to town (yaaaay! this isn't the stress part), so I will have to play hostess to a degree. I mean, this is a long-time really good friend, so she will understand if I'm less than organized, but still....

My job is still fucked. My manager has no fucking clue. His personal issues are so on the surface. My co-workers and I spend too much time on the job playing armchair therapists and discussing his "issues". This week was pretty bad - I guess because the boss was out of town and manager-boy had control of the shop. He is woefully unprepared to deal with that. So my main co-worker and I had two full days of wanting to bitch-slap the manager from the first minute of work. Not good.

Plus Luis went down to Mexico to deal with some shit down there and to see his family. I'm sure he is having a wonderful time. And I kinda miss being there, in some sort of "distance makes the heart grow fonder" type of way. So I'm on my own right now. Except... oh yeah, I have Luis' cousin Moi staying in the house with me.

He's pretty good about staying out of the way. Since we gave him his own tv, he pretty much spends his time in his room. But there is always the little voice in the back of my head saying "there's someone else here". And to some degree I'm responsible for him.

So no "me time" for me. Maybe that's what I need. Which is why I'm here at Beulahland, finishing off my second beer.....

One fucking angry bitch

2008-09-19T20:41:00.002-06:00

That's me. One fucking angry bitch. I've always known that I have a lot of anger, but recently it's been making itself apparent.

I was talking to Luis about the shit that is going on down in Mexico (sooo fucked up... but that is a whole 'nother entry on my blog) and we were talking about my motorcycle in Mexico. Suddenly I felt this huge flare of anger in my mind. I mean huge. Like hurricane Gustav or Ike huge. I quickly put the kaibosh (how does one spell that word???) on it, but it echoed in my head for hours afterwards. Where did that red-hot burning anger come from?

It's always been floating just under the surface. I know that. I'm pissed. About a lot of things. I think I've always been this way. But it's gotten to the point that I might actually have to Do Something about it.

I remember in high school having a fantasy that I would be given a bat and some old piece of shit car and just allowed to have at it, vent all my anger on that car. Beat it to shit.

Just writing that makes me want that fantasy to come true. So now it's time to fucking get on the program and tackle that anger, face on, full body slam, kick it's ass.

Fuuuuuuccckdddd Uuuuup!

2008-09-19T20:07:00.002-06:00

I am now at Beulahland. Drinking a beer. So I feel better. But about an hour ago I was ready to tear the head off a barrista, chew it up, and regurgitate it down her throat.

Yeah.... that bad.

There are two cafes near my house. One is about 1 1/2 blocks away, in an old revamped arts and crafts style house. The other is about 4 blocks away in an old storefront and usually has live music or other such distractions. But the closer one has a vibe I can't quite put my finger on, and don't quite like. Nothing bad, but not as comfortable as the other one.

This evening when I decided I needed to get online to take care of shit in my life, I decided to walk the extra (oh-so-far) three blocks and go to that cafe. Besides, they serve beer, so the extra walk is oh-so-worth it! I get there, order a bottled beer, and then they tell me they are closing in about 15 minutes. Beer and spare change were re-exchanged and I opted for the less yummy cafe. I get there and order an au lait. I sit down, plug in and try to get online. For 20 fucking minutes!

I've had problems getting online there before (another reason I don't really like that place), so I tried all my usual tricks. Turn airport off, then on again. Quit my email program, start it up again. Fucking restart my computer. Repeat.

No go. I tell the barrista that I can't get online. She says she'll reboot the server. I guess she did it at some point, but I still couldn't get online. Finally after 20 minutes I cut my losses and drove over here to Beulahland.

Shoulda just come here in the first place.

Bow Down!

2008-09-15T12:37:00.000-06:00

There are times when I just hate people. Not for anything specific. Just because they exist outside my own head and make their own (wrong) decisions. When I'm Empress of the Universe.....

no one will use their cell phones while they are driving.
trendoids will be ridiculed and shot at dawn for driving their bikes without brakes and helmets.
PBR will be outlawed.
people wearing "fashion" re-played from the 70's will be lit on fire and marshmallows will be roasted ove their burning flesh.

Out of Whack

2008-09-15T12:34:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling out of whack these days. Don't much relish my job anymore, have only made small steps towards researching my new job interest (house inspection), still have a visitor living in my house, Luis has had lots of emotional things going on this past month or so, and I feel like I have no time for myself.

Yesterday we were out running errands and Luis suggested we go to Jamba Juice. I opted to go home and relax. I ended up sleeping for a few hours while I was alone in my house. What a nice feeling.

But I woke up tired today and haven't quite gotten back into the swing of things. I'd much rather be at home sleeping.

Not the brightest bean

2008-08-16T17:05:00.003-06:00

Luis and I were talking recently about people he works with. He described one as "he thinks he knows more than he actually does". Oh yeah, I said, I know people like that. They think they are all that and a bag of chips, when in fact, they are missing the bag of chips.

Suddenly I thought of my recent attempt to get a raise. And I wondered, am I one of those people? Do I think I am worth more than I really am?

As soon as that question is spoken I hear my mom's voice telling me that I am worth everything I ask for. She is my mom, she has never doubted what I tell her about my skills. Neither does Luis. He thinks I am more talented that I give myself credit for.

But I wonder. Do I really see my relative value in perspective? Or am I one of those people?

No one is moving

2008-08-16T16:56:00.002-06:00

It's hot as hell here today. Somewhere in the range of 100 degrees. Not normal for Portland. It seems pretty quiet outside. Not much traffic driving by my house. And on my walk up here to Beulahland, there were very few people on the street. It's just too hot to move.

My Fat Year

2008-08-01T12:55:00.003-06:00

I've decided that I'm going to write off this year as "My Fat Year". I just weighed myself at the gym yesterday, and it's official; I am at the heaviest weight I have ever been at in my LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not so cool.

Even though I knew it was going on, I paid little attention to it, only bothering to say hello to it in passing. This weight gain. My little friend of 2008.

Well, you have 5 more months of hanging around, and then you gotta go. Bye bye little chubly wubly!

I'm in a...

2008-07-25T15:19:00.002-06:00

...highly agitated state today. I'm not sure why. My boss seems overly pessimistic these days, and I can't help but think it's due to my conversation about money a few weeks ago.

Because, of course, the world revolves around Me.

But everything is bugging me. My job, my daily routine, my relationship with Luis, my lack of a social life, my future.

I think I'm in one of those spots where I need some serious change and I'm not sure where to go with it. So I tend to lash outwards.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

Eew, gross!

2008-07-19T15:40:00.003-06:00

My manager at work is a closet homosexual who's only outlet for his sexual frustration is to make awkward comments to his employees - two of whom are male.

And now he is starting to get physical. He slapped the ass of one guy, and has started to touch him when he wants to get his attention.

Yeah: ew, gross.

I couldn't care less who he is attracted to, or what his views are on his own sexual life, but the whole subversive outlet thing is creepy. At least it isn't aimed at me.

For once I feel pretty safe being a female in a mostly male-dominated industry.

Oddly, I think, the two guys I work with are loathe to deal with the situation head on. I suggested that we all talk to the boss about it, but they seem to not want to do that. My mom suggested that the first step should be to talk directly to the manager about his actions and ask him to stop. Fair enough.

We'll see if they do talk to him and if it has any effect.

Ye Shall Be Healed!!

2008-07-19T15:31:00.002-06:00

I had a couple of religious people come to my door this morning. Not sure what religion they were - I didn't bother to ask - but they were looking to convert me. I politely told them that I was set, I didn't need to have that conversation.

Of course, they were looking for any type of "in" to get me to talk with them. They noticed I'm wearing a wrist brace and asked if I had broken my wrist. No, I told them, my doctor thinks I'm getting arthritis, so she is having me wear the brace.

The guy said, "oh yes, I have some of that."

They then asked if they could pray for me and the health of my wrist. Sure you can. So the woman stepped forward and took my hand. Oh, you mean pray for me right here, right now. Oh, ok.

So she wheels into a prayer, asking for God's grace to perform a miracle and remove the arthritis in my wrist.

I politely stood there and let them pray away, thinking "I'm not sure this is gonna work on me, a non-believer, if the prayers haven't taken away the arthritis in the gentleman believer on my porch."

Then they walked away to the next house down the block.

Daddy moto

2008-07-12T18:36:00.002-06:00

Luis seems to think I need to be out riding my motorcycle every sunny day. Maybe this is the perfect time to take advantage of the wonderful weather, but I just don't feel like riding every day. I'm more than happy to jump on my moto whenever I need to go somewhere, but it's lonely riding around town by myself. I'd be much happier to have a partner in crime.

He is more concerned with how much experience I'm getting so that when he brings his moto back this fall that I'll be able to keep up with him, that I won't drag him down.

He's a very selfish man.

Tomorrow I'm going to a women's meeting at the store where I bought my moto. It's not a class, but more of a networking thing. I want to meet women I can go tooling around town or the countryside with.

Today is sweltering hot - 92 degrees or so - and the thought of taking off to drive for the sake of "getting experience" doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather stay inside and stay cool. If I had someone else to drive with I'd be out there.

Yes, I'm employed again

2008-07-12T18:20:00.002-06:00

But it's at my same old job. Whoopie.

I had a long conversation with my boss this week. Not a very comfortable or good one. I was essentially asking for a raise, he was essentially telling me I wasn't worth it.

Blech.

After talking with Luis and my mom about all this, I start to wonder if I am over selling myself. Am I worth that much less than my co-worker? Then the same old shit happens at work and I wonder why I'm paid $3 less an hour than him. And worse than that, why I'm paid probably $5-6 less an hour than my manager.

My co-worker's pay I can deal with, although I think it is too much higher than mine by $2 per hour. But the fact that my manager is paid so much more than me becomes more and more of an insult to me.

But.... am I worth the same amount or just slightly less?

So fucking difficult

2008-07-05T17:01:00.002-06:00

What is it about relationships that makes them so damn difficult?

When I grow up

2008-07-04T15:51:00.002-06:00

"The best way to predict your future is to create it."
- Peter Drucker

"Leap and the net will appear." - Zen saying

I've been thinking about my job a lot lately. I'm now back on the payroll - it seems our business has picked up - but that time off gave me a lot to think about.

Plus I found out the only other guy on the shop floor makes $3 more an hour than I do. Not cool. He is worth the money, no doubt, but I am too, so I need to chat with my boss soon.

Aside from that issue, I've been wondering if I want to stay in this business at all. Or, more specifically, do I want to continue to just be a cabinet maker? I'm not all that into the physical side of it anymore (not sure I ever really was - it was just a part of the job), and I'm not learning anything new. We used to have other employees who I could really learn from. Doug taught me a lot about install and customer service. Tracy taught me more about install. I can still learn from Chris, but not on the same scale that I used to learn - he and I are pretty much equal in our skills. So I'm a bit bored, very underpaid, and tired of lifting heavy objects.

One option is to get into project management. There is a General Contractor company that I've worked with a few times that sounds like it could be an option. I've already sent out my resume to them, but didn't mention in the cover letter that I would be interested in going the project management route. But I have the owner's name (given to me by a PM from that company who I recently worked with), and will get my shit together next week to call him.

There is another company I've recently seen that I also sent my resume to, but don't have any contacts there. I'll try to follow up with them soon too.

And then there is that friend of my mom's who is buying the condo she wants to renovate, with me as one of her main employees. That would give me first-hand experience in project managing, and be very flexible. However, I'm not real sure what part I would play in the whole process, so we'd have to work that out.

And one guy I did an information interview with while I was laid off called me back this week to see if I was still available. I said maybe - told him I was re-employed, but not sure how long it would last (and I'm not, which is a bone of contention for me at the moment) - so we should keep in touch. He said he didn't have a job offer right now, but had a few projects he thought were going to come in and then he would need to staff up quickly.

So there are some good options out there, I just need to decide which route I want to take. Once I make that decision, I'll take that leap...

No Time

2008-07-04T15:46:00.002-06:00

It seems like I have a long list of things I want to tackle, but somehow never really find the time to do so:

re-read my BRT manual to brush up on all the things I learned in my motorcycle driving class
finish knitting my current project
read the books I checked out from the library
post more often to my blog
read the manual for my new camera and start using it (of course, in order to do that I need to...)
buy an external drive to dump stuff off my laptop harddrive so I can download the new photos on my new camera
figure out what I want to do for a living right now (more on that in another entry)
get out and meet new people

Fat Girl

2008-07-04T15:34:00.003-06:00

That's me these days. I tried on a pair of cutoffs I wore to work last summer - no go. All my clothing has gone up a size. I'm fat. For me, that is. There are still fatter people out there, but I'm moving in their direction.

It's not a matter of needing to build up muscles - I'm plenty strong - it's a matter of needing to eat better and work off some of the fat layers that have been added in the last year.

More cardio, less carbo.

New toy

2008-06-27T16:35:00.004-06:00

So I sucked it up and bought a new digital camera. (Yes, yes, I realize I've been laid off and have no money coming in. But that's usually the time when I decide to spend what little cash I have left.) I've been jonsing for one for a while. The only digital camera I've ever owned was a small point n' shoot that I used in Mexico, which eventually took a dive into a public toilet. At a bar. While I was drunk.

Ick.

So I've been without camera for over a year now. And the itch was getting to me. I went to my favorite local camera store and asked their advice. Went home, did a bit of online research, went back to the store, looked at different cameras. And finally bit the bullet on Monday, added to my debt, and bought a Nikon D40.

I've taken a few photos on it, but haven't loaded the software onto my computer yet. Need to empty the hard drive first. It's a fun camera and I think it will get me into the swing of digital photography. And hopefully it will get me taking photos again.

odd things

2008-06-21T12:10:00.002-06:00

The past few days I have had a few odd (or unexpected, or Happy Realizations) things come up in my life.

First, I realized that I had some vacation time left over at work that I could cash in. That will help with the financial end of life. I talked to my employer and found out I had more hours than I realized. Yay for not taking vacation! I guess.

Then Luis suggested that the vacation time I have would cover us for the rest of the month so that I could hold off on applying for unemployment insurance. The result of that is that the amount I would get paid will go up. Yay for Luis!

Then a friend of my mom's called me. She is looking at buying a condo in my mom's building, but it will need updating. She is interested in hiring me to help her main construction guy get all the work done. Yay for mom's friends!

So I am feeling a little better about our finances.

Scary

2008-06-17T12:54:00.002-06:00

I stopped by my job yesterday just to see if the situation had improved any, if we might have some work coming in soon-ish. No such luck.

What scared me was what my boss said. He has been in business for 25-30 years now and he said he has never seen a down-turn like this. He's not sure how long it will last and if his company might have to fold.

Not good.

Yesterday

2008-06-17T12:03:00.003-06:00

Went to the gym and screwed up my neck/shoulders somehow. I was doing reverse crunches and something in my neck didn't like that. Sharp pain. One more try to confirm. Yup, something just got injured. Crap. Time to go home - early - and take it easy.

Also, my sister got me to try Facebook. Bitch. Now I'm addicted. Probably because I have so much free time at the moment. And I'm finding lots of people from MindSpring. But it's still a time-suck. Enabling me to avoid my unemployed situation.

Guapo

2008-06-13T21:04:00.001-06:00

Damn, I have a good looking man! He just walked in to meet me at the bar here, and *wow* he is one hottie!

Madonna

2008-06-13T20:54:00.002-06:00

I've written about this before, but I'm still a member of the Church of Madonna.

I was surfing around the other day and decided to visit iTunes.com. Got stuck on watching Madonna videos and actually bought a few. (Ok, "Lucky Star" is sentimental to me!) I don't know what it is about her, but I get a lot of emotional support from her songs. When I was in Mexico, a part of my being able to cope was listening to her song "Issac". Today it is "Give it To Me". Man, that song rocks!

I remember taking a Women's Studies class at UC Berkeley where one day we watched some of her videos and questioned whether she was promoting or damaging womens' power in the world. I think I stood mute on the question that day, but I remember some women speaking out strongly against her. Of course, this was the late 80's and the videos we watched included "Like a Virgin".

But whatever the opinions that day, she has come out on top. She is one of the most powerful women in music and I think that she really promotes a strong stance for women in the world.

At least it works for this strong woman.

Amigos

2008-06-13T20:37:00.002-06:00

Today has been a day of old friends. This morning I received an email from a former co-worker (and friend). He found me off this blog - goodness, I didn't think anyone but me was reading this! - and dropped me a line. So fucking fabulous to hear from him and his wife! (Hi John and Karen!)

Then as I pulled up to this really cool newish bar (beer and Wifi.... heaven!), I saw another former co-worker. Ben used to work for the same cabinet shop that I work at. I haven't seen him since I went to Mexico! It was so great to catch up with him. I miss his energy at the shop. He has done quite well for himself and is soon to move north to Seattle.

And then I got another post from my friend Peggy in Atlanta. Sweet!!!

I wonder what the universe is trying to tell me?

Oh Yeah!

2008-06-13T19:53:00.004-06:00

I can't believe I forgot to mention this, especially after being absent from my own blog for almost a year!

I BOUGHT A MOTORCYCLE!!!!!

She's a gorgeous blue 2008 Honda Shadow. See?:

I took the motorcycle class in October, and it was great. Our teacher was a current cop, and was very strict and very funny at the same time. Luis took the class with me, although he's been driving motos for years. He did great on the class and passed the test easily. I did great in the class, passed the written test easily....

and FAILED the driving test.

I was crushed. So was my teacher. He said, "you're killing me. You're a much better driver than this test shows." So I had to suck it up, walk out of the class without my endorsement, and sign up for a re-test in December. One and a half months with no practice, and all that time to wonder how the hell I screwed up and if I would pass this next time.

On the day of the re-test, it was raining. Not just the usual Portland misty/drizzling rain - Rain rain. And me with no rain gear, just my usual jeans and leather jacket. I passed, quite ungracefully. The only comment from the testing dude: "Ahhh, all I can say is Practice. You passed."

Kinda demoralizing again. But screw it, I passed!

Four months later I bought my baby. And I'm getting used to her, getting comfortable driving her around town. Looking good and having fun....

Odd crop

2008-06-13T15:34:00.002-06:00

I went out to put some items in our compost bin and decided that it needed a bit of attention. I hadn't been as diligent as I should have been about taking out the completed compost from the bottom of the bin, so it had basically turned into a tall pile of dirt with a little bit of biodegrading stew on top of it.

So I opened the bottom and started to dig. My back didn't like the whole process but I kept digging, and digging, and digging. Until I hit a root. A big root. About half way up the bin. Huh? I got on my knees and looked in the bin. Yup, that's a root alright. And it's big. Where the hell would it have come from?

A light bulb went on in my brain and I hoped it wasn't what I suspected it was. I quickly glanced to the back fence (about 3 feet from the compost bin) to look at the giant bamboo in the next yard. My eyes fell short and stuck on the three new shoots coming up into my yard.

Now, these are not small, finger-sized bamboo. These are the bamboo which you have to use both hands to gauge the circumfrance of. Giant bamboo. So the shoots were pretty impressive. Could one of them have made a beeline for my compost pile?

I got up, removed the screws which hold the compost pile to the ground, and turned the thing on it's head. The most recent additions to the pile spilled over easily and I was left staring at a root-bound pile of dirt with a tenacious bamboo sprout working it's way up the pile.

Oh shit.

For those of you who have never had to dig out bamboo... hope you never have to. The roots are thick and clumpy, not easy to cut through. I hacked at the pile with my shovel and took a hack saw to the big runner root, finding a second runner taking off in the other direction, and hacking it off too. Then I reset my compost pile and filled it with the recent bits from my kitchen. Stared at the three sprouts at the fence line and decided to deal with them later.

Out and about

2008-06-11T12:15:00.002-06:00

It's odd being unemployed (excuse me, laid off). I always think (when I am employed and indentured to someone else's time for a large portion of my day) that I would love to have a few days off.

But here I am wondering what to do with my day. I make up tasks just to keep myself busy. Is that pitiful? Or just normal?

Some of it has to do with the lack of money. I'm fortunate in that I have another paycheck (not quite 80 hours worth) coming to me this week. And that I have some money I've been hording (not saving, mind you) for just a time like this. But after those two are gone - and they will go quickly - that's it. So to go to a coffee house and pay $1.50 for a single cup of coffee just so I can get online is ok for now. Maybe not next week though.

The other part is that I don't usually take the opportunity to go out much during my "regular life". I wake up at 5.30 in the morning, get to work by 7, get home by 4pm, relax, go to the gym, come home and eat, then go to sleep by 10pm. There is no opportunity for me to go out and have drinks with friends because 1)they want to start at 9pm, a mere hour before my eyelids give up the fight, and 2) I need to be completely sober (not even hungover) and ready to work with limb-removing power tools the next morning.

Plus, I think all my friends are getting older. Or more adult. Or something. When I want to go out I want to go somewhere and be a goof. Dance, drink, relax, have a good time, don't worry about consequences. Everyone around me has someone or someones they are responsible to: a spouse, or a spouse and kids. I know Luis wouldn't worry too much about me. As long as I returned home within 24 hours, he'd be fine. Bail me out of jail? He would. Come pick me up at a bar at 4 in the morning? He would. Make fun of me as a suffered from a horrible hang over? Yup, he'd do that too. As long as I made it home at some point.

I have a few friends who I think would be willing to go out with that level of commitment, but they don't live here. Or maybe they have changed too.

Not Summer Here

2008-06-10T15:52:00.002-06:00

Seems like it is actually summer everywhere else in the country but here. I see news reports of the horrible storms in the Midwest, and all I can think is "man, at least they are having summer weather!"

Dang it!

2008-06-10T14:47:00.004-06:00

I'm sitting in a TCFY cafe ("too cool for you", that is) up on N. Mississippi Avenue. It is one of the trendiest areas in town. It's been in the gentrification mode for a couple of years now. All the trendiest people live here. Or go to coffee houses, pretending they live here.

But it's 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon, and I wonder what all these people are doing here, not working, not in school. How do they support themselves?

I have an excuse. I am currently unemployed. Temporarily, that is. I deserve to have a few days off, lounging around, trying not to spend money, and at the same time trying not to spend too much time in the house. But who are these other people? They all seem to be in their late 20's/early 30's, all seem employable, all seem trendy. So what gives?

I don't remember ever being able to live that life.

On my way over here, I tipped my motorcycle over. Not over, but over on it's semi-side. Enough so I had to step off and lift it up. Luckily it was at a four-way stop in a not very populated area. Of course, I slowed down the two cars at the intersection, and looked pretty amateur to boot. But I didn't hurt myself (aside from straining my shoulders a bit much) or my bike, so it's all good. I think I was trying to take off from the intersection too slowly, or that the road was a bit slick (it's been drizzling here all day), and my moto just outweighed me. Again, no biggie, but a bit disconcering.

Wondering

2008-06-09T11:47:00.002-06:00

I walked home from my post-race party last night. I needed the fresh air to decompress after the season, and a walk would give me some time to work off the beer I had consumed.

I've been thinking about my life and it's path again. I'm not quite as stuck as I was when I worked at MindSpring, but I've been feeling stuck again. I'm still challenged at work, but not in a good way. Right now the challenges come from our high-maintenance clients and from a couple of my co-workers. That's not the challenge I want.

I've started to wonder about moving on again.

I would probably stay in the same general arena - construction and cabinetmaking - but I need a new environment. The mood at my current job has been out of whack for the past month. Partly, I guess, because of the spectre of unemployment, but I also think the mix of people is off again.

Time to think...

No work

2008-06-09T11:22:00.002-06:00

Today is the first day in a year that I have woken up without the prospect of work. My company is feeling the effects of the crappy economy. Our customers are generally on the rich end of "Well Off", if not downright Rich, but even they are hording their money right now. Scary.

Not that I mind having the day off. My body is still wracked from a weekend of Dragon Boat racing. I feel like I've given more effort this year on the team. Or maybe my body is having a harder time keeping up. Regardless, I arrived home at 6pm after our post-race party and fell into bed. Woke up around 2.30am when some dumb shit called my phone, probably looking for a sober friend to pick them up at a closed bar, but went right back to sleep. Finally got up around 7.30am. So even if I had been scheduled to work, I probably would have planned ahead and asked for the day off.

One day off is ok, one week off is my "waiting week" to apply for unemployment, two weeks off and it's resume time.

End of the Season

2008-06-09T11:18:00.002-06:00

We ended our Dragon Boat season yesterday with a emotionally defeating flag miss. We would have come in 3rd in the race, which would have eliminated us from continuing anyway, but to miss the flag at that point..... heartbreaking.

I need a girlfriend!

2007-09-03T14:02:00.001-06:00

No, I haven't gone lesbian on you....

All my really good girlfriends are scattered across the Western Hemisphere:

These are the women I really connect with, the ones I really have a good time with, the ones I can talk about anything with. Sure, I have a few close female friends here, but no one I really connect with that closely.

Is that just due to the circumstances of my life? I work in a small shop, so there aren't scads of people to sort through to find good friends. And my industry (cabinetmaking) is pretty damn male-oriented, so the chances of even finding a female to test out are pretty slim. Plus I'm pretty lame when it comes to having a social life. I'm a bit of a hermit, I need someone else to drag me out of the house from time to time. Luis does that pretty well, but he's a boy, and that's just different.

Or is it a matter of my age? I've just turned 40, although I don't feel like it, nor do I act like it. Portland is a pretty young town though. Most women my age are having babies, it seems. And the women who like to go out to bars, or to see bands, or whatever, are usually doing that more often than I'm able to (the thought of going to work hung over or tired and having to work with power tools kinda scares me!). Or they are just younger than me and, dang it!, I'm starting to feel that generation gap!

I'm starting to wonder if Portland is too hippie for me too. I mean, it's nice to have a supportive, progressive, forward-thinking community, but I miss the harshness of a bigger town. I miss the variety of a bigger town. Here we have a ton of variations on the hippie, the hipster, the socially concerned. To be a "rebel" in this town is difficult, because no matter what you do, you are supported! Wanna be a punk? Ok. Wanna be homeless? Well, we don't want that for you, but we will work hard to make sure you get whatever you need in order to remain homeless. Wanna be an MBA-holding, suit-wearing business person? Ok, but really there is no need for the suit. Wanna be a soccer mom? Sure, we'll even sell you a hybrid mini-van so you can be an eco-soccer mom!

All I want is a group of friends who will come over on a Sunday and sit in the back yard with me and talk trash about our lives. Anyone interested?

My 80's Weekend

2007-09-03T13:42:00.001-06:00

So not only am I bathing in R.E.M. today, I went to see Crowded House last night with mi amiga Vanessa. They apparently have a new album out, but I am woefully unacquainted with those songs. Unfortunately, they seemed to be playing a lot of them. Fortunately, Mr. Finn has held up quite well and both Vanessa and I were drooling over his Aussie voice and well maintained body.

They scattered a handful of older songs in the main part of their set, and then tossed a hunk of them in for their two encores. I was quite happy. They closed with Better Be Home Soon, and the audience sat rapt and silent, singing along quietly. It was fabulous!

R.E.M.

2007-09-03T13:39:00.000-06:00

Is there any more perfect album than Murmur or Eponymous or Fables of the Revolution? Not today.

Those songs take me to a very happy place. Radio Free Europe makes me dance around the room like a teenager. (Don't go Back to) Rockville makes me swoon. So. Central Rain, Seven Chinese Brothers, Talk About the Passion, Life and How to Live It......

Sooooooooo happy!

More art

2007-09-02T14:26:00.000-06:00

One thing that is missing in my life these days is art. Even though Portland is pretty cultured, I don't get out to see art, and art certainly isn't coming to me. I get to work by 7am, leave there at 3.30pm, go home and watch stupid afternoon tv for two hours (my current idea of "relaxing after work"), then go to the gym for two more hours. Home again for dinner, then crashing into bed for a night of sleep.

Art? No time for it.

In fact, I feel like I don't have time for anything these days. Art, relaxation, writing, people watching, whatever. My weekdays are booked up. No wonder I just want to stay inside and stare at the walls on the weekends! That is exactly what I did yesterday - I didn't even leave the house!

Today at least I am three blocks away from the house. That is progress, right? 8^)

There is an art event going on this weekend called Art in the Pearl. I bought a piece of art from there a few years ago. Maybe I will hike over that way and see what is going on. It's close to Powell's, so I could always skip out on the art and move on to books if the art was boring....

So many thoughts...

2007-09-02T13:41:00.000-06:00

I've been wanting to write to my blog lately. However, I have a shitty Internet connection at home, so even checking email there is painful.

Today, I decided to wander down the street to get online. For that, and for food. Luis went to Sacramento this weekend to visit a friend. I was invited, but didn't relish 18 hours of driving to a town I think of as a pit, just to see a friend of Luis'. Don't get me wrong, the friend is a good guy - I know his family down in Mexico - but he is Luis' friend, not mine. Plus, I'm going to see Crowded House tonight - oh so 80's!

So I am solo here in Portland for the long weekend. It's mostly ok, although I'm tending to freak out a bit not having Luis around. Even though I think we need time apart, I get knocked off center when he leaves. I'm sure it has to do with my childhood and not having my dad around, but who really knows?

I also just downloaded a bunch of photos from Mexico. I had taken a bunch of "old style" photos using actual film when my digital camera broke. When I got back to the States I had them developed and uploaded in digital format so I could then download them to my computer. It probably would have been worthwhile to just have had them put the photos on a disc, but I was pretty dang broke when I first got back.

The photos made me think about Mexico, and the Mexicans I met. I'm starting to look at that year in Mexico in a different light. When I was there I was so out of whack that it was hard to see things any other way than what I was feeling at the moment. Now I can see that I went down there with a particular idea of what I was doing there and the reality didn't match up. Instead of rolling with that, I tried to force it to be what I wanted. I didn't open up my brain to a more objective viewpoint. Not that I blame myself for that. I don't think there was a way I could have done that. But being away from it now makes me see things differently.

Luis and I talk about going back to live there. It's mostly what he wants to do. I still have things that I want to do here in the States, so another move south is not in my close future. I would be interested in going back again, but not to live in Tuxpan. And he agrees. He is also realizing that he went down there with some unrealistic ideas of what he was going to achieve. If we move down there again it will be to Colima, which is about 45 minutes away from Tuxpan. Close enough to visit the family, but in a city that has more to it than drinking and poverty.

Plus it seems like every time I go to the gym I end up thinking about Mexico. I'm not sure why, except that maybe that is my only time to myself, when I don't have to think about anything else, and my mind just goes there because it needs quiet time to contemplate all that happened there.

Regardless, I think I'm slowly working through a lot of shit in my head.

Yeah, I'm still here...

2007-06-23T11:54:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I last posted. My apologies. Luis came home and now I have less free time. Lame excuse, but there it is.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a headache. I got up, swigged down a BC Powder (the best thing ever to happen to headaches) and went to sleep on the couch. Our mattress sucks, and Luis snores like a freight train, so I figured the relative privacy of a futon mattress might help scare off the pain in my head.

Two more BC Powders later and my head feels like it's stuffed with a wet rag. But it's not thumping in pain, so I consider that an improvement.

Today we are going to the house of one of my fellow Dragon Boat team members to look at his kitchen. He wants some drywall work done and when he met Luis at the races, they talked about Luis doing the work. So we'll go see what is what out in Tigard.

This evening we might head out to Banks, Oregon to see one of my co-worker's race his tiny car. He is obsessed with it, he talks about it all during the work week. But he is a funny guy, and if he had a good tan and a Mexican accent, he would essentially be Luis. So I figure they will hit it off well, and I might make a few new friends as well.

That's it for now.....

1 hour, 57 minutes

2007-06-08T18:32:00.000-06:00

Luis arrives in two hours. I'm sitting at home, willing the clock to move faster so I can go to the airport. Then we're going to my pre-race Dragon Boat party. And tomorrow we have two races - one at 11.40, the other at 4.15pm. I'm pumped, pumped, pumped.

Now if only it was 7pm.....

FINALLY!!!!!!!!

2007-05-26T20:17:00.000-06:00

I talked with Luis this morning. He is finally coming back to Portland. Says he is done with living in Mexico for now. So we booked him a flight on June 8th - the day before my Dragon Boat races! Yay!

Busta Rhymes, Cher and Me

2007-05-20T11:49:00.000-06:00

May 20th. My birthday. And Cher's, Busta Rhymes, Jimmy Stewart, Joe Cocker and Suzie, my best friend in Portland. I'm in good company.

Happy Birthday to us.

San Diego

2007-04-25T14:05:00.000-06:00

I've been here in San Diego for 5 days now. I can see some of the appeal - warm, sunny weather, the beach..... yeah, that's it. But I don't think I'd want to live here. Charlotte and I went to the grocery store last night. She had to run back to grab something she had forgotten. I was left alone with the cashier.

"Are you from the Northern?" she asked me.

A bit confused, I responded, "no, I'm from Portland, Oregon."

"Oh, I knew you were from somewhere north. It's that whole relaxed vibe you have."

"Ok." But I thought that was odd. Here I am in Southern California, the Mecca of laid-back-ness, to where all surfers and wanna-be surfers flock, where it is assumed that your life is soooo relaxed and worry free. Here I am, coming down from Portland, Oregon where it's overcast for 6 months of the year, where SAD (seasonal affective disorder) bitch slaps most inhabitants, and I'm being called laid back? Wow.

But it seems to be real. Charlotte talks about the fast-paced life here. Everyone is in a rush to go somewhere, be someone, do something. Nothing is relaxed here. It's very, very expensive here. In order to make a living you have to work hard, have roommates, live as inexpensively as possible. At a coffee house I am ignored as I stand at the counter. It seemed like actually making contact with me was awkward. (Whereas in Portland everyone talks to you.)

So maybe Southern Cali isn't the mecca it's reputation leads us all to believe.

When it rains...

2007-04-20T10:05:00.000-06:00

Of all the companies I had applied with, the only one that I hadn't received some sort of reply from was The Joinery. They have a reputation for making really nice furniture, and for being a place where woodworkers want to work, so I was definately interested in talking to them. I had sent them a resume way back in March. But no reply, no "thanks but we're not currently hiring" email even.

I had applied with them when I first moved here back in 2002. They ended up calling me to interview after I had been working for a company for about two months. I was so excited. I didn't like the job I had (low pay, crazy owner, jerk of a manager), and I was seriously excited about the Joinery reputation. Would they really hire me?

I went in for an interview after a full day of work at my crappy job. I changed clothes in the bathroom of a coffeehouse. I was pumped. I went in, met the owners and started the interview. At some point in the middle of the chat, I realized my posture was horrible. I was slouching and my legs were splayed out like I was a trucker drinking a beer at a local watering hole. Now, I know this is a physical, blue-collar type job, but I realized I should at least be attempting to make a better impression. I straightened up, crossed my legs and continued to answer the questions they threw at me. Poorly. I remember saying exactly the wrong thing to one question. At that point I knew they wouldn't call me back, and they didn't.

Flash forward to this week. I've just accepted a job with Mike, my old boss. It's all good. That same afternoon I get a call from the Joinery. They are interested in interviewing me.

Talk about bad timing.....

What do I do? I'm really no good at lying. I wouldn't feel comfortable only saying that I have a job offer on the table (conveniently neglecting to say I've already accepted the offer), but I would also like to get my face out in front of them again, if only to correct the mistakes I made so many years ago. I called them back, ready to tell them "thanks but no thanks", but the guy I talked to still seemed interested in talking to me anyway. Hmmm. Ok, I told you I already have a job, you've told me you couldn't meet the pay rate (at least not right away), but you still wouldn't mind me coming in to talk? Great! Eleven-thirty tomorrow morning would be fine!

The interview went well enough. I was oddly nervous. In other interviews I've had recently I was never nervous. Was it the memory of my previous interview with them, or did I actually want to get a job with them?

I mentioned to Gary that I had interviewed with them years ago and that it had been a bad interview. He remembered me, but didn't remember the interview. So I didn't go into details. We talked about this and that, the whole process being a bit odd since we both knew that I was already employed. But he said enough and I thought about things enough to seriously consider whether I should reconsider working for Mike.

I went for a long walk by myself afterwards to think about it all. Basically I would be giving up a good job that pays more than the industry standard for the option to interview at the Joinery. Although I would like to learn more about furniture making, and think the Joinery is a great place to do so, I'm going to turn them down. They don't have a job offer, and even if they did the wage would be 3 or 4 dollars less.

I'll keep them on my list of places to contact when I'm ready to move on again. But it was nice being wanted by them.

Employed Again!

2007-04-20T09:59:00.001-06:00

My old boss finally offered me a job. And a good deal on it too. He is bringing me in at the same pay rate he was paying me two years ago, and I think my insurance will start up faster than it would have if I were a new employee. The only catch is that the job doesn't start for another week.

Fine by me.

I have a freebie ticket on Southwest airlines, so I'm going to head south to San Diego and Los Angeles to see friends this week. Funny how I've been traveling so much while I'm unemployed. No better time to do it though.

Monday, April 30th. That's my first day back. In the meantime, I'm outta here!

Sueños

2007-04-20T09:51:00.000-06:00

I'm dreaming again. For a long time I wasn't having dreams at night. Most of my nights in Mexico were dreamless. Every once in a while I'd have a dream, but it was usually lightweight, nothing of substance.

For the past three nights I've had dreams. Some of them are easily relatable to my daily, waking life. Dreams about Luis, dreams about jobs. But some aren't so easily deciphered.

But I feel better having dreams. Somehow I think they clear out my mind of stray thoughts that would otherwise just rattle around and distract me.

kitty kitty

2007-04-18T14:31:00.000-06:00

I just let a black cat cross my path. Have I just doomed myself to some bad luck?

I was walking to my local coffee house and a small black cat was trying to cross over Belmont Street, a somewhat busy main street. As it ran across the lanes of traffic and towards me, I thought that I should help the cat somehow. I'd hate to make it stop in it's tracks and thus get run over by a careless driver. So I stopped in my tracks to let it have the right of way and a safe passage to the other side of the street.

I think the good karma of helping another sentient being offsets any bad black cat mojo. At least that's what I'm telling myself until I find out otherwise.

Watch your breath

2007-04-16T17:58:00.000-06:00

Last week I went to a meditation center close by my house. They have an open meditation session every Tuesday evening. I hadn't meditated for a long time - I think the last time was when I was studying Tai Chi in Atlanta - but I felt the need to just let my mind loose for a while. There was a member there who gave an introduction to the five newbies who showed up that night. He was very nice and calm. I ended up talking to him after meditation and got a good feeling off him. During this week I couldn't help but get the feeling that he was thinking of me. Not in a romantic or sexual way, but in a supportive way. Like he was wondering to himself, "What happened to that girl who came in this week? I hope she is doing well." It was a good feeling, even if it was all made up in my own mind.

Frustrated

2007-04-16T14:28:00.000-06:00

Being back has its good days and its bad days. Today is bad. Last Friday was bad. Of course, that was Friday the 13th, so maybe there were other forces going on.

Friday I was working on my two day try-out with MADE Designs. They are a few blocks away from my house, which is convenient. But they are a newer company (only 3 years old), so they don’t seem to know exactly how to interview, hire and have employees. The one guy they already had on staff told me that the two owners were pretty tight-lipped when it came to giving him direction for his job. Not out of meanness, but out of inexperience. Allowing employees to do things their own way isn’t always a bad thing, but I read it as being inexperienced with having to teach employees how you want them to work. I just don’t think they have ever had to think about keeping their vision alive and on track while bringing new people into their company.

They had given me an odd corner cabinet – nothing too crazy, but they use mitres on every joint, which isn’t standard in the industry. So I was battling that hurdle. And there were a few times I lost the battle. Since I had already worked on the one cabinet for a full day, by Friday afternoon I was getting frustrated at not being further along. So when something went wrong, I was frustrated and angry at myself.

Then I got a call from my old boss Mike. He said that he was leaving the hiring and firing of employees to his newly promoted shop manager, and that I should expect to get a call from Scott, the manager, to talk to me about coming in for an interview. I did get the call and set up a time on Tuesday morning to go meet Scott. But I was insulted that I was being asked to interview for a position that I had already held for two years and for which Mike had said that he would hire me back into.

I’m actually getting frustrated with Mike. We have been talking since I’ve been back about getting me back into his shop. Recently I had been leaving him alone as I didn’t want him to feel like I was pestering him. But he has been getting a lot of calls from the other people who I’ve been applying with. So there is a bit of pressure on him, I guess. On Thursday afternoon he called me up to ask about the most recent call he had received. He wanted to know how bad I wanted to work with the guy, what I knew about his shop already, and other stuff like that. It was odd. In this case I had found the company in the Yellow Pages, and sent my resume in to them blind. I knew very little about the company aside from what I had seen on their website. And Mike hadn’t asked me about other companies I had applied to even though he had been getting calls. So what was so new about this one? If he is feeling the pressure to hire me sooner than he would feel comfortable at the risk of losing me to a competitor, that’s his problem. In that case he needs to decide what is more important to him. Either hire me or let me loose. Don’t play games like this with me.

Very frustrating.

I’m also on hold with MADE as they had also tested someone else out last week. Now Bo and Tim are talking with each other and making their decision. Fair enough. But I have no idea where I stand with them. I realized on Sunday morning that I had seen the cabinet the other guy had been asked to make. I didn’t realize it while I was working there for the two days, but suddenly I remembered having to walk around it while I was there. And I realized I got the harder cabinet. His cabinet was your basic square cabinet. Essentially the only challenge he would have had (if he had the same level of experience I had) would be to deal with mitering the corners. My cabinet was L-shaped. I had to deal with more mitres and more issues than he would have. So does that play into my favor? Or did they set me up to fail? Yet another sign that they didn’t think out their trial period concept. If they were trying to judge two people, it would make more sense to have them both make the same cabinet, or make similar cabinets. Now they have to compare apples and oranges in order to make their decision. Again, not my problem, but frustrating nonetheless.

So Monday April 16th isn’t much better than Friday April 13th.

Hard to Leave, Harder to Stay

2007-04-16T14:26:00.000-06:00

The week in Mexico went well. Not perfect, but ok. Luis and I got some alone time by going to a gorgeous beach for two days. (Btw, if I ever live in Mexico again, I will be taking friends to this beach, so remember that and call me up when I'm down there again.) The next day we went to a close-by water slide park/spa with Laura and family. The spa was pretty new and very well done. It's a natural hot spring and they had two steam rooms, two jacuzzis, a mud area where you can pack on the mineral-rich mud, a juice bar and massage rooms. Nice.

The next day I packed my stuff and left Mexico.

I was having such a good time. This is what I had wanted to do more of when I was living here. I had wanted to travel around, see the country, explore the region. Instead we spent what felt like way too much time in Tuxpan. So all of a sudden it felt a bit difficult to leave - if life could be like this here in Mexico, I would stay. But, following up that thought was a quick reality check. It wasn't like that. It would be more isolation, more depression, more frustration. Really, it's better to leave on a high note.

Headed Back

2007-03-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

I was online last night looking for a cheap flight down to Mexico. I still have stuff down there that I need to get, and I want to go back to say thank you to everyone and "hasta luego" (see you later).

I found the cheapest flight was actually leaving Portland today. So I booked it, made sure Luis could pick me up in Guadalajara, asked my mom to help get me to the airport at 4.30am this morning, and gathered the small amount of stuff I'm bringing back with me. Quick and easy.

Back into the fray....

Bad day, bad interview

2007-03-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn't leave the house until 3.45pm. I woke up with a bad attitude. Nothing was good, it seemed. Even talking to my best friend Wade didn't bring me out of my glum mood.

I got a call back from Neil Kelly Cabinetry. Nice woman on the phone, but I was above their salary level for a builder, and she didn't think they had any management positions open. She was bummed because she liked what she saw on paper and said she would have hired me if she had open positions. That was nice to hear, but it also reinforced my impression that they probably have management issues. Otherwise she wouldn't have been so over excited about me solely based on my resume.

Around 3pm I heard back from MADE Design asking me to come in for an interview. I was a little surprised to hear from them as I thought they would be looking for someone with more time in the industry. It seems that there is a belief that years of experience = quality employee, which I've found isn't always true. I had spoken with Ken at Rosemont Designs about this issue and he has come to the same realization. MADE had asked for 5-10 years experience, and I was on the lower end of that. Besides, their company was pretty young, so I figured they were still working under the time=quality mindset. So when they called back, I wasn't sure what to expect. But I prepped myself in the hour before the interview by asking myself questions that I thought might come up.

Everything about the interview supported my eventual belief that they didn't have much experience in interviewing potential employees. On the phone, the owner only asked me if I would come in for an interview. No preliminary questions to weed out people who would obviously not work out. When I arrived at the shop, by the time I had introduced myself and shook hands with the two owners, I knew they weren't interested.

I've been in that position before. I had to interview lots of people when I worked at my first cabinetry job. I would make a pretty quick decision sometimes about interviewees and sometimes had to go through the motions of interviewing them just to be polite.

But I never made that decision before they even spoke.

So to have that feeling so damn quickly was really odd. I tried to inject questions and personality into the interview to show these two guys that maybe they should dig a little deeper. But it didn't work. At the end of the 20 minute interview (which would have been much shorter if I hadn't tried so hard), I got the "Well, we're going to be talking to other people this week. We'll get back to you" statement. Yeah, ok, I'll be waiting with bated breath.

Don't get me wrong, this might not have been the right job for me. I might not have been a good match for them. And I'm ok with that. But to get this attitude from the second I walked in was really disturbing. I really felt like turning right back around as soon as I got there.

Eventually I realized that this wasn't a reflection on me. Even if they thought I might not be a good candidate (based on whatever it was they heard over the phone or saw in the 2 seconds after I walked into their shop), a good interviewer would have handled it differently. First, when you call a candidate, ask questions. What real-life experience do they have? Sure, you have some details on their resume, but let them fill in the gaps. If you know the places that person has worked before, ask about those places. For instance, they knew a little bit about Mike's shop, so pressing me for details about that job would have been perfect. Then, once you have decided to bring a candidate in for a personal interview, get even more details about them as an employee. What do they like to do in the shop, what do they dislike? How do they handle certain situations? What are their strong points, what are their weak points? Do they see themselves staying in this industry for a long time? If so, where do they want to go, what skills do they want to learn? And so on.

I got none of those questions. In fact, I think the only question they asked was a general, "so, tell us about you" question. I think they made their decision about me between the phone call and the interview, so no matter what I had done at their shop I wasn't going to be given a fair shot. Over the phone they had asked if I could bring a portfolio of my previous work in. I said that I had just moved back to Portland and lots of things were in storage, but I could probably scare up a few photos. And that is what I did - I searched boxes of photos to see what I thought might be helpful. The reality is that I don't have a lot of photos because most of my work has been done for other companies and I don't think of it as "my" work. Yeah, I work on the pieces, but I am representing the company I work for. Maybe that isn't right. Maybe I should be taking photos. But I've also never been asked for photos from anyone I've ever applied with.

However, all of that was moot because they didn't even ask to see my photos.

So maybe they decided at that point that since I didn't have a portfolio I wasn't a quality candidate. Fair enough. But I had even given them an out with that. I said I didn't have much to show, and wasn't sure if that was a requirement of the interview.....? Giving them plenty of lead to say, "Yes, actually it is. Thanks and good luck in your job search". But they said no, it wasn't a requirement.

But the chilly reception I got when I walked in leads me to believe that maybe they do want someone with a portfolio, or more experience, or more testosterone, or....... Regardless I think they need more experience in interviewing.

So, two more companies down.

The Waiting Game

2007-03-23T17:53:00.000-07:00

I turned down that job offer today.

It was a pretty good offer on the surface. The company was small (about 5 or 6 employees), built quality cabinetry and some furniture, the owner liked me and thought I would fit in with the company, and the hourly salary was within my range. But they didn't have health insurance, which, if I bought it on my own, would essentially bring my hourly wage down $3 or $4 per hour.

Plus I had talked to my previous boss, Mike. I really would prefer to work for him. His shop is a mere mile from my house - I can walk or ride my bike to work. I know how his shop runs. I know how he thinks. He and I have a great rapport. He fired his shop manager, my former supervisor - which was well over due, but better late than never, right? Last week he told me that he doesn't have enough work to hire me right now.

Yesterday after I got the job offer, Mike and I went to the bar next to his shop and talked for 3 hours. I told him I had an offer on the table, but would prefer to work for him. Was there anyway he could bring me on? He said he had been thinking about that for the last week and a half. We bantered about a few thoughts, but ultimately came away without a solid job offer for me. But there are lots of possibilities there.

So I called the other guy back today and let him down gently. I was plesantly surprised when he said that he would still be interested in talking to me if changed my mind. I must be some hot property! So now I have two possibilities, but nothing solid. Better than no offers, I guess.

Man I ROCK!!!!!!!

2007-03-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

So I set to the job of finding a job this week. I sent resumes to Arciform, The Joinery, MADE Design, and Rosemont Design, plus a few other online posts which ended up to be recruiters.

Today, the same day I applied, I got a call back from Rosemont Designs. I had less experience than would usually interest them, but they were interested anyway. Could I come in for an interview? Sure, 4pm today would work well for me.

I wasn't at all nervous. I was helping my friend Walter with an errand and he asked me why not. "I don't know if I'm interested in them, so it doesn't really matter if they like me or not. Besides, I know that I'm good at this, I know I can do what they need. If they don't want to offer me a job, I won't care."

So at 4pm I walked into the shop and asked for Ken, the owner. We went to his office and started to talk. "You saw our work on our website, so how do you see yourself fitting in here in our shop?" was his first question. I stumbled. How could I answer that when I really didn't know what his shop was like? So I asked him to clarify, realizing this isn't the best way to respond to the first question in an interview. But we quickly got into industry-type talk. He asked questions which I realized were to test my actual knowledge versus my ability to toss out the proper terminology. He talked a lot. I kept my mouth shut as much as I could. I had learned that sometimes it is better to let the other person talk.

By the time he gave me a tour of the shop, I knew I had a good chance at a job there. And I was right.

He didn't offer me a position outright, but said he was interested and wanted to call my references. Said he would call me again tomorrow.

One interview = one job offer.

Damn! I'm good!

Trading Spaces

2007-03-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

When I rented out my house, I ended up leaving a few things behind. My futon couch, a small side table used in the bathroom, curtains and curtain rods, a vacuum, plus tons of household-oriented bits and pieces intended for occasional maintenance .

Now that I'm back in my house I'm finding some things missing. Some white cotton curtains I thought I had left on some of the windows are gone. Or maybe I gave them away to Goodwill. A 6' ladder which got me on the roof to sweep off the accumulation of leaves and other tree bits. Those are the big things. But in their place I have found a few items. A nice area rug, just the right color and size to use in front of the kitchen sink. A Bissel Spotlifter unit (without it's power cord), a kitchen mop, one of those Swiffer (Swifter?) floor cleaner thingys, two unopened bags of pillow stuffing.

I guess it all evens out. Except for the ladder.....

It happens....

2007-03-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

I went to talk to my storage people today. I realized that if the things had been stolen, there was no way I was ever going to get them back, so really I was just looking for a little sympathy. Maybe they would have security cameras and I could look at tapes to see whether or not someone had stolen something from me. Who knows?

When I got to the storage place the trendy boy was there. I didn't like him. At this particular storage place they usually hired people who were a bit low on the employment ladder. Not the types you would find in an office or a cafe or a trendy bar. So trendy boy really stuck out. And he had a bit of an attitude. Because I had told them I was moving out, my account had been flagged. I had paid up through the 19th of this month, but for some reason two different times when I had gone to the locker my security code didn't work. The first time this happened, I went to the office to find out what was going on. Trendy boy was there. He looked my account up and sighed one of those oh-so-exasperated sighs. "See," he said to his co-worker, "this is why we need to make sure those forms get filled out!" Another sigh and then he told me the account was cleared and I could get to my locker.

Now, maybe proper paperwork hadn't been done on my account, but what a passive-aggressive way for him to act around me, the customer, when this came to light. I didn't need to know that someone else in his company hadn't followed proceedure. I couldn't care less. I just wanted to get into my locker. But he had to make it obvious to me and everyone else around that his day was being put out of joint because someone else hadn't done their job. Poor guy. I feel so sorry for him, having to correct someone else's mistake.... NOT!!!! Pull your head out of your ass, I wanted to say, it's just a simple mistake.

Needless to say when I saw him behind the counter today I wasn't thrilled. Some other guy walked up to me and asked if he could help me. "I need to close out my locker and I wanted to let you know that I had something stolen from my truck when I was moving this past weekend."

"Yeah, that happens," he replied.

Sympathy was not forthcoming. But I also thought his response showed a great lack of customer service. Really, he should have said something like, "I'm terribly sorry that happened to you here at my place of business. We do our best to minimize thievery, but sometimes it happens and we have no control over it." Instead he followed up his first comment with, "I can't do anything to help you there."

I realized he probably thought I was looking for them to replace my lost items. "I know you aren't responsible, I just wanted you to know it had happened."

"Yeah, well, we can't do anything about it."

At which point I decided he was an idiot and had never had the concept of customer service explained to him. I asked, rather testily, for the moving out paperwork, signed it and left.

Now, the fact that I found the "lost" items later that day stashed away in my laundry room is of no consequence. He still should've treated me better.

Missing Things

2007-03-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

The week before I moved things out of storage and into my house, I went to my storage locker and grabbed whatever I could that could fit into my car, trying to minimize the pain of moving day. I looked through the plastic bins I had all my belongings in to see what I had left behind. One day I came across the antenna for my tv. I had forgotten about it completely. It was small, but I didn’t need it at home right away so I left it there.

On Saturday, after I had all my things in the house, I started unpacking and looking for certain things. One thing was that tv antenna. I was tired and I just wanted a mindless evening. Funny thing was that I couldn’t find it. Maybe it’s packed away somewhere else, I thought. Or maybe someone stole it!

But how would they have done that? The bins were in my locker all week, and that was locked up. Then it must have been on the day we moved. But we never really left the bins anywhere anyone would be able to get to them. Of course, we left the truck unlocked while we went back to the locker for more stuff, but the office was right there – wouldn’t they have seen someone opening the truck and taking something out? Could it have been one of the employees?

Ok, I’m probably just tired after a hard day of moving. I’m being paranoid. The antenna is probably in some other bin.

But after a few days of going through my belongings, I still hadn’t found the antenna. And I thought I had bought one of those fancy plastic bag storage things. Where was that?

Tonight I set up my bedframe. And I was missing pieces. As I thought about where they might be, I realized that I thought I had seen those pieces in storage too.

So maybe I wasn’t being paranoid. Maybe someone had stolen a bin of my things. But how odd would that be? How random. If the antenna was on top, I could understand someone picking that out and taking it, but what else could I have put in a bin that would be worth something?

Tomorrow I’ll go back to the storage company and ask them if they have surveillance videos of that area.

Only the women are bad....

2007-03-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

We are so judgmental. I’m watching a program called “The Outsiders”. They are profiling a woman who is in the porn industry. They previewed her segment by saying that she used to be a “Sunday school teacher” and she was “college educated”. Then they asked how a woman like her could become a “cigarette smoking porn star”. There was an obvious, and not so subtle, message there. What is good and what is bad. Sunday school teacher = good. Porn star = bad. College educated = good. Smoker = bad. How much more judgmental can we be? I mean, porn is hugely popular – someone has to do that work. It’s not just created out of thin air. So why are the women who perform in porn the only ones who are criticized? What about the men who work in porn? What about the men (and women) who pay for porn? Where are the programs profiling men who purchase hundreds of porn movies a year? Where are the judgmental tv shows about them?

Maybe we just freak out when we realize that these women who perform in porn are actual humans, and not just some personality-less plastic dolls we project our desires onto. Then we think about being in their position and our Puritan heritage comes out, and we label them as “bad”.

Ramblings

2007-03-13T22:05:00.001-07:00

This country is crazy for pills. We also seem to have a lot of outbreaks of diseases. Think there’s a connection?
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American TV is just as bad, if not worse, than Mexican TV. In fact, there are a lot of copycat programs on right now. I don’t know if they started in Mexico or the States. Either way, they suck.
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I saw a commercial this morning that showed people in situations where they had to make a choice between two activities – do you do one thing or the other. The commercial was for a bank’s financial services, basically saying that if you make the right decisions, you’ll be ok. Which is all good and fine. But what seemed particularly American to me was one shot which showed a guy looking out at his back yard, trying to choose between raking the few leaves that littered his lawn and relaxing in his hammock. The implication was that the “right” thing to do was to rake the yard, to do the work. In Mexico the clear choice would be to relax in the hammock. Not out of laziness, but out of a feeling that you need to enjoy life while you can. And at this point, I agree.

Going Up

2007-03-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

I’ve been eating like a bird these days. A big, carnivorous, hungry, indiscriminate bird. Because of course, birds eat their own body weight in food on a daily basis. I had started to gain weight right before I left Tuxpan, but this was pretty normal down there – my weight would fluxuate within a few pounds on a regular basis. When I got up here I was so excited to eat food I hadn’t had in 14 months – Violet’s breakfast, thai food, Peet’s coffee with real half & half, cheap frozen pizzas, etc. So now I have a layer of fat on me that hadn’t been there two months ago. Bummer.

Also, whatever I’m eating doesn’t always agree with my system. Lately I’ve been going to bed feeling over-full and uncomfortably bloated. As if whatever I’ve eaten has turned into a stone in my stomach. I wake up and feel the same. Maybe the food here has more preservatives and that is affecting my stomach. Maybe I’ve been eating heavier food. Or maybe my body is adjusting to the food here. Regardless, I need to start eating better.

First the house, then a job.... Almost

2007-03-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

I went to visit my old boss Mike today. He was surprised to see me because he didn’t know I was back in town. But I had stopped in to visit in the past, so he wasn’t completely surprised.

We chatted for a while and he told me he had done some “housecleaning” last week. Turns out one employee had blown up at another employee and threatened bodily harm. He was fired. Then the good news – my old manager had been fired too. Mike said that on the same day he fired the other employee he decided to fire John too. Said he realized he had just had it, he couldn’t deal with John anymore. It was about time too. John had always been a problem, but Mike didn’t have it in his nature to fire him sooner. So now Mike is down two employees. And I’m looking for a job.

You do the math.

It was lunch time at the shop and his remaining four workers came out of the shop to get their food. I knew two of them and chatted a bit with them. Mike then introduced me to one employee I didn't know. “Hi, I’m Laura, I used to work here.” “Nice to meet you. Are you going to work here again?” he asked. “I don’t know. Mike and I hadn’t gotten to that point in our conversation yet.”

Which was really a nice segue way. We talked a little bit, but I didn’t want to pressure Mike, so I said “well, think about it and call me if you’re interested.” He replied, “I don’t need to think about it, I’d love to have you back at the shop. But I don’t have enough work right now.”

I was very complimented. No need to convince him to re-hire me. I had a job if I wanted it, I only had to wait. And even though he couldn’t hire me right away, I figure that even if I have to take a crappy job, I can always drop it when a position comes available with him. So it was a good day.

Comfortably Numb

2007-03-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

One thing that is odd about staying here is the mixed feelings I have. The other day I was sitting in my back yard and it almost felt like my time in Mexico was just a dream. The yard looked the same, as if I had never left. And as I bring some of my things back into the house I have the same sensation. Here I am, back in my old life, which doesn't feel old, it feels as if I'm merely rearranging my house. Mexico? Did I really go there or was that a dream?

And I'm not sure I want that. I want to feel different, I want to feel like I had an Experience. A life-changing experience. But it's really easy to forget about my life in Mexico. It's really easy to feel a big void when I think about my daily life down there. Which is so odd because when I was there every day was wracked with emotions. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes horribly painful. So to feel numb to it, to feel as if it didn't happen, is very, very odd.

Reclaiming the House

2007-03-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

So I decided. I'm staying here in Portland.

I called my potential renters to give them the bad news. Then I went to my storage locker and packed as much as I could into my little car, and took it back to the house. I asked a friend if he could help me move the rest of my things into the house this Saturday. The only thing left was to talk to Luis.

When I talked to him, and he was sad but supportive. We talked a bit about what he needed to do down there (close up the shop, sell the tools if he could, sell one of the motorcycles, etc). We talked about me flying down there to gather some things up and say a proper goodbye to the family. He said he was going to call his old boss in Sacramento to see what the work situation looked like. And he told me that he wanted to stay down there until his brother Jorge moved down in May.

I thought this might be a goal of his. His brother Jorge is more like a father to him than a brother. And Jorge has been saying he wants to move back to Mexico for a while now. Luis feels like, and has always felt this way, he should help Jorge out as much as possible. So at the worst Luis could be back up here by June.

Now I need to get back on the ball and get myself re-established here. Call the utilities and get them back in my name, start looking for a job, get my brain wrapped around the idea of staying here.

It does occur to me...

2007-03-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

...that I might not know if I've made the right decision until long after I've made that decision.

How to Have it All

2007-03-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my friend Suzie last night. I told her I had been at the house yesterday and was feeling like maybe I should stay in Portland. I told her that if I had my druthers I would keep the house, but take the time to go see friends and go back to Tuxpan for a week to say a proper good-bye to everyone and gather up some of my belongings.

"So why not do that?" she asked.

So why not?

Still on the Fence

2007-03-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

I think I need to get honest about this "stay or go" decision.

The reality is that I am more comfortable here than I am in Tuxpan. I have friends here. A lot of my friends these days are married, and some of them have kids. But they are still available for me and I can still talk to them. In English. I have a house here - which I haven't rented out yet - plus a bunch of shit in storage. So within a week or so I could be moved back in and in my own space again.

But it sort of tears me up. I feel like I was in the middle of starting a life down there and now I'm running away from it. But the reality there is that the life which I was starting wasn't making me happy. I think if I went down there in another year or so I might have a healthier attitude and might be able to stay down there longer.

I"ve been waiting for some sort of sign to tell me what I should do. Should I stay or should I go? Why isn't the universe telling me in some not-so-subtle way which choice is the better one? My sister told me that sometimes the sign we are looking for isn't a lightning bolt, but more just small, subtle signs which we can easily overlook or discount.

So I think about the conversations I've had with friends, and what they've said. I walk around my house, empty now, and think of how it would feel with all my stuff back in it. I went to my storage locker and realized just how normal, how calm, how inconspicuous I felt.

And that is a huge thing. I feel like I can walk around the neighborhood without sticking out or being stared at. I don't feel as if I don't fit in here. I'm just another white girl walking around.

So maybe I should stay.

Life Goes On

2007-03-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

So I've been having a difficult time with this decision of whether I should stay here in Portland or if I should go back to Mexico. I've been sitting on the fence over which option to choose.

But every once in a while I'll be reminded that life will go on no matter which option I choose. That lightens the stress of trying to decide.

Coka Lite

2007-03-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

Diet Coke tastes different here than in Mexico. Down there it's more fizzy, as are all softdrinks. But it also has a different taste. I actually like Mexican Diet Coke.

I just need to frikkin eat!!!

2007-03-01T18:36:00.000-07:00

I left my mom's place today with a mission to find a good brekky restaurant. I've been a bit of a hermit lately, so I figured this would motivate me to get out of the house.

I jumped on public transportation and headed to a small diner I had been to before in the Pearl District. It was kinda late for brekky, but their web site said they were open until 3pm, so I figured I was well within Brekky Range. Alas no. During the week they serve eggs and their kin only until 11am. Waaaah!!! So I left and started walking back south towards downtown. I figured I would come across another option sooner or later.

Well, PF Chang's came up and I decided chinese food was as good as an omelet at this point. I went in and ordered some food to go. They said it would take 15 minutes, so I said I would be back for the food.

I left and aimed for Powell's, which was a risk as I'm not sure I can do only 15 minutes at Powell's. At the corner there were four folks from Mercy Corps. I figured I had nothing to lose - I don't live here anymore so I have a ready "out" if they want signatures or something. So I stopped and talked to one guy.

It started out ok. He asked what I knew about Mercy Corps then filled me in on what they do. And they do some good things. They work to establish local resources in the areas where they go. Need a doctor in Uganda? They don't ship one in from Europe or the US, they get the resources to have a local (or regional) doctor set up to work where it is needed. Nice. And, he said, he wasn't out on a street corner in the rain to ask people for money today. Rather he was asking for people to offer resources.

Resources. That usually means money. So I told him my deal - I'm living in Mexico, I'm trying to make a living on what I earn there, I'm here just to rent out my house, money isn't an option as a resource from me. That usually shuts them up. They might ask what I'm doing in Mexico, or share some Mexico/travelling experience of their own. But they usually understand that they should stop asking me for money.

Not this guy. He kept prattling on about how people don't always realize that it can be a really small gesture on their part that makes a big difference to the people on the receiving end. For example, if you committ to giving up one of your two daily lattes, you can put that money into a jar and at the end of the month you have a huge donation. Or have one less drink in a bar on the weekends. Or walk instead of taking a cab. We can all find little things in our lives that we can live without, he said.

Ok. Maybe I didn't explain myself. I'm living in Mexico. Small town Mexico. I already live without most of the stuff this guy mentioned. We don't have cafes or movie theatres; there are cabs in town, but I have a car; I don't really drink in bars these days. There is very little left for me to "give up".

I guess he didn't believe me because he started to use some examples that were a bit closer to home. "It doesn't have to be a big thing, maybe making a few dollars off your renters, or having one less margarita on the beach...."

I almost slugged him. What the hell does he know of my life? He's judging me because I'm walking down the street in the ritzy Pearl District, wearing a nice velvet scarf (inherited from my grandmother, thankyouverymuch), and I own a house here. He assumes that I can somehow find something in Mexico that is extraneous, that is some luxury that I can cut back on. He has no idea how much I don't have access to just by virtue of being in Mexico, by virtue of living in a small town there.

I finally got him to lose interest in me somehow and headed for Powell's. I had given up on going back to PF Chang's for the food I had ordered. I hadn't paid for it, so I wasn't losing anything. And I just couldn't stand the idea of having to walk back by this well-meaning asshole with food to go from PF Chang's.

So I kept walking south, hoping to come across some tasty restaurant. It was way past brekky time, so I ended up going to Safeway and buying eggs, going home and cooking myself a scramble with spinich, mushrooms and broccoli. Not quite as satisfying, but brekky all the same.